My married-or-otherwise-attached friends question why I would dismiss a man after one date. Forget trying to explain to them about the ones that are dismissed even before that.
There was the guy whose profile mentioned his love of scotch and tequila. Took me to a really cool bar…with scotch sommelier. Turns out, though, that he’s not much of a drinker. I finished my flight (a shot and a half, total). Conversation was fine. Whether he was talking about his work, his family, or his dog, I read a tinge of melancholy. No thank you.
There was the guy who told me stories about growing up. About college shenanigans. About his past relationships. About his twice weekly golf games. What he emphasized most was how much he loves his work. He chooses to work when he has free time. He plans to work until he dies. My marriage ended when my husband concluded that his career was his first priority. Won’t make that mistake again. So…no thank you to you, too.
There was the guy whose life is simple, but lonely. He seemed nice. Didn’t seem fun. I’m fun. I’m looking for fun. Another one bites the dust.
I don’t have rules or expectations of what makes an acceptable date. As a matter of fact, I’d prefer more casual settings, perhaps an activity instead of sitting across a table. I don’t mind traveling to a destination. I choose day over evening, coffee over cocktails. Dinner is too long for a first date.
Back on point…I’m not deciding yea or nay superficially. I believe I read people well; I am trusting my instincts more and more. I want to laugh. I want music (and, please, not just The Beatles and The Who!). I want art. Exploration. Intelligence. Challenges. I want to want to know more. I want to feel it.
My Frog Princes 
You are so right! When I tell friends about my ‘dates’ and that I don’t care to have a second one, they generally ask why not give him another chance? Give it another shot. Try again, he may have been nervous. No thanks. Don’t want to know in the first ten minutes of meeting him that ‘he looks better naked’ or that his credit card bills are now down to $18 a month now that his wife is gone. I’ll find someone, hopefully, just not these guys, thank you.
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First of all the problem begins with online dating… I understand the theory of reading essentially a gentlemen’s stats before going out with them will give you some false sense of security, we are not the back of a baseball card. We are human, albeit challenged most men are human. I get it life is busy, nobody busier than me, I am sales an executive who has worked for his company since his early 20’s and is now in his 40’s. I have a 5 year old daughter, plenty of friends and limited time.
Whatever happened to meeting someone organically, or even exploring someone you know well or even sort of know already. Online dating gives everyone a false sense of true reality, grow up big boys with class, money, and confidence don’t want to meet someone through a profile.
Last night I went out with a lovely girl, (maybe). On the surface very smart, attorney, has an extremely busy lifestyle, always on the go! go! go!… I can relate, I really only have part time availability as well.
I have a 5 year old, my daughter isn’t looking for a step mommy. So I realized that I need to prioritize my life with time We are not our parents born in the 1940’s married in the 1960’s, we are in 2016. The old school traditional ways of relationships are not realistic, so why are we chasing this dream that doesn’t exist for most of us. The world is lost in its work because the working folk who have to hustle for a living can no longer get away with 40 hr work week. The world has changed we spend our lives attached to our devices, computer and smart phones and that is not going away. So I say embrace it.
The truth is , life is part time, you work, you play, you raise a family, etc… So why not part time quality relationships with people you know already or sort of know. You don’t really know someone anyways until you have real direct conversations about real life, grown up stuff.
he answer is this.. balance your life , don’t spend your life’s energy worrying about finding the perfect relationship. It is exhausting and unrealistic, fine I get it your a romantic you want the dream, well once again grow up! However I will not just pick this apart I will offer a solution.
I don’t know if you have kids on a part time schedule, but I do. So I have figured out the perfect way to live my life. and have plenty of time to work, be a great dad and I mean one that is 100% focused on his daughter while with her. I have to work 60 hour weeks most of the time with traveling about 5-8 times a year. I have become better at time management because nothing is full time. In a traditional marriage or permanent relationship everything is full time which essentially causes everything to be chaotic and part time while trying to keep up. In todays plugged in world it is virtually impossible. I believe you can have a successful relationship even with marriage as long as everything is part time and quality time. My baby girl doesn’t need another mommy, so why try to find one, that is not the goal, I want a successful, fun, funny exciting loving relationship with as little nonsense as possible.
I have a girl I see that is beautiful, has a 4 year old girl, I tell her that we should be together about 75 percent of the time when neither of us have our kids, that way we are completely focused on each other while we are together. The other 25% should be spent on our hobbies, our friends, our needs. The rest of the time we should be together because we need to spend that quality time with our girls. This creates peace, happiness, and balance. Needing someone every minute is exhausting, no man wants that. I have never had more sex, never better and have never been happier. In turn I have a great relationship with my cheating ex wife which I pay $3,500 a month too and I could care less. It is the best investment I ever made. I’m not angry, I’m pleased.. My relationship with my daughter couldn’t be better because I am not trying to force evil step mom down her throat. I have free time to golf, work extra hours, eat with my fiends, spend amazing fun and quality times with my true love my baby girl, and have a very exciting fun and sexy relationship with a beautiful girl.No excuses.. This is doable, just open your mind to part time living and everything works itself out.
So I mentioned I went out with someone last night. This is a woman I know vagley through my older sister. She on the surface is awesome, but she at 44 and never been married is trying to dream that traditional works. She lives in the big scary city of NYC, I told her about my current life and she was blown away… Life changing once you embrace it GOOD LUCK!!
E B.
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Sorry Evan, but what you want and what you apparently have, is a woman who’s willing to be your booty call. There’s no relationship there. There’s no responsibility involved. She has her life, you have yours, and, at times, your universes overlap and you see each other. It works for you. Congratulations. But those of us who are looking for more continue our quest. Not for the “perfect” mate, the perfect mate for us.
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I respect your opinion, but far from a booty call, Isn’t the first 90 days or first 6 months of a relationship always the best. That is what I am trying to accomplish, just keep it for as long as possible. People should be happy, mixing everyone’s life makes most people unhappy in the end. I wish it was they way it was, there is no denying that, I have come to the realization, that it just isn’t.
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You want a life partner who sees the all of you, and can respect what’s opposite in their beliefs or opinions, and love you for who you are. And your love back shown every day, at any time through small jestures of touch.
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