text

Searching for Pikachu

~ What's in a Profile? ~ Leave a comment

I’m in Florida at the moment, and, naturally, checked in on Bumble and Tinder to see who’s here…who’s been waiting for me all his life.

There was an alarming number of widowed, single fathers whose friends had, just 5 days ago, convinced them to go on. There were also several who lived far, far away. I can’t figure out how or why we matched. They were all in search of true love. They all want to be happy again. (Note to all, men and women alike: Looking for happiness shouldn’t be like playing Pokemon Go. Look for matches. Look for dates. Look for the love of your life. But don’t rely on that to deliver happy if you don’t already embrace it.)

One stood out. Fun looking photos. Mid 50’s and retired; I needed to know how that was. We texted back and forth for several days. Seemed like we had similar likes. We were both interested in simplifying and downsizing our lives. We get our news from the same news sources, of particular importance during this crazy election year.

We realized I was staying very close to where he lives, so we tried to make a lunch plan. Lunch never happened because he was about to have surgery. Turns out, “retired at 54” is code for “on disability.”

Also turns out that “simplifying and just enjoying life” is code for “living with my parents.” The icing? He was using his mother’s phone.

 

 

Buckshot Results

~ What's in a Profile? ~ Leave a comment

It’s been two weeks since I introduced my “buckshot” approach. I’m swiping right more liberally and opening up the playing field. Results? Probably not shocking…just more of the same.

This was an all-Bumble trial; the first contact was mine after match notification. In every case I started with hello (and in no case did I “have him at” that), and followed with a question directly related to his photos or profile. To the architect: Are you involved in an interesting project now? To the critic: What genres do you like most? To the writer with funny profile: Do you write comedy? To the others: Any fun plans to kick off the summer?

12 matches. That means that they swiped right on my profile, too. I had a really nice dialogue with one over the course of several days. Then silence. A few responded with answers like “yes” and “thanks;” not engaging…done. One asked for my number but didn’t use it. 2 or 3 placed on hold during long weekend.

5 of them didn’t acknowledge my contact. I had to, just had to, follow up. “So…I’m going to send this same question to several of you…I hope you’ll reply…What changes from your first swipe right til it’s time to respond to a text? (I do it, too, sometimes). We all know this is a crap shoot…let’s at least find out. Aren’t you curious? I am. Let’s face it…it’s not personal at this stage…but maybe, just maybe…(Not desperate. Not needy. Really wondering.)”

Two responses. One told me he’d met someone else, who he’s now dating, right around the same time. I asked if that was true, reminding him he owed me nothing and that I meant this as a learning experience. He said he never lies. Whether or not that’s true is inconsequential today. In short, we texted back and forth a little bit and that was that.

The other one went differently. Turns out he lives in another state. I asked if he was looking for hook ups or if he was cheating on someone. Said he was not a cheater, but was, perhaps, interested in cyber sex. He asked about my relationship/dating status.

“Cheater? Never. Well, maybe in college with high school boyfriend. Hookups? Been a lifelong prude; hoping I’ll find my inner slut one day. Husband? Still on paper but long done in life. Reality? Who the fuck knows?! I want it to blindside me and live happily ever after. Is that asking too much?!” 

He didn’t think I was asking too much. And you won’t be surprised to learn that he offered to help me find my inner slut via sexting. “Harmless. Could be fun.” I tried to do it…to challenge myself. I bailed before I started. To him, I apologize, since he kind of started without me.

No Excuses

~ What's in a Profile? ~ Leave a comment

 

 

 

I’m struggling with writing today; I hope you’ll bear with me if my thoughts are disorganized.

I found myself in a unique situation…I had a great date with a great guy. I even told him about My Frog Princes, certain that he’d never be fodder for my pages. (As they say, turn around is fair play, and he got the conversation started.)

It was my intent to go out again. When I said that I needed to put off another date for a few weeks because of an overwhelming schedule, it was the truth.

Here’s how my brain works: I absorb in the moment; I process later. Details coalesce and form the bigger picture. I concluded that he and I are not on the same path, that the lifestyles we want are not in sync. Religion plays a role in his life that it never has, and never will, in mine. A superficial example: he recently moved to the suburbs after many years in the city. I just did the reverse.

When we were out he told me about his past relationships. He said that falling in love was the easy part; making a life together is the challenge. This stuck with me.

Now, what was the right thing to do? On the sites, many people say they’d like to start as friends, see if that leads to more. But they’re dating sites, not make-friends sites. This particular fact was pointed out to me by several of my friends. What’s misleading? What’s fair?

Again…we had fun. He’s interesting, smart, optimistic, attractive, sensitive and honest. I planned on going out on the second date in order to show him that I really did (do) like him and had a good time with him. Face to face. I wanted to tell him I don’t see us walking the same path.

I want to be friends. I want to help him find the love of his life. Believe me when I say he’s one of the good ones. One of the really, really good ones.

Well…you know how I handled it. He deserves better. I was wrong when I went silent. My instinct was to be honest from the start, then I made some bad decisions.

Neil got his apology and explanation, personally and immediately. We talked. We even made plans. As friends.

 

 

Later…I Promise

~ What's in a Profile? ~ Leave a comment

I favorited him. He messaged me. Likes my photos. Likes my profile. Do I want to chat or, better, meet for coffee? OK! Here’s my number. I prefer meeting to phone date…awkward and counterproductive. Call or text and we can set something up. Or message me back on site.

You, readers, already know where I’m going with this…nowhere. Right. Is it out of the question I’ll hear from him? Of course not. Sitting by the phone? Definitely not. But our phones are generally sitting by us, so we keep checking. Like waiting for college acceptance or that million dollars from Publishers Clearing House. Refresh.

The problem, according to me, is that getting in touch feels more like making a doctor’s appointment than something we optimistically anticipate. We’ll message later. Remind ourselves to follow up. Just…not right now.

My Virtual Boyfriend

~ What's in a Profile? ~ Leave a comment

Almost immediately after registering on my first dating site, I made a connection. But that’s not where this story begins.

Last summer I saw one of the 70’s jam bands (think Grateful Dead-ish). At the show, I mentioned to one of my friends that the next love of my life could be in that crowd. Yes, the next love of my life could be a bald guy in tie dye.

Fast forward several weeks and I’m an internet dating virgin. I read a profile that interests me. He seems low key, and we share a couple of interests, so I send an email. And he responds. Wouldn’t ya know it, he was at that same concert. Jam bands are his jam.

We emailed back and forth a couple of times and set up a phone date. He was nice. Shared a lot about himself, and we had a few coincidences that made conversation easy enough. I checked him out on facebook, bald guy in tie dye at a concert. Every photo. Every single photo. I had my doubts.

The second phone call overwhelmed me. He’d thought about me non-stop and felt we had a real connection. Too much based on too little.

The next day I broke up with my virtual boyfriend like a millennial…by text.