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Tinder Without Borders

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I only recently signed up on Tinder. I registered via my Facebook account and didn’t look at it again til a couple of weeks later. Two nights ago I looked at it for the first time; didn’t even think to look at my own profile page.

Was out with my friend (you’ve read some of her stories). Told her I thought I was at highest age range of Tinder. We checked. I am, but I’m in good company. I started looking and swiping, mostly right with my new buckshot approach, and also because I wasn’t wearing glasses or reading the profiles or looking through the photo options.

About 90% of my right swipes resulted in matches! Continued this for another day, weeded through the errant matches, and started conversations with 21 men. 21!! I texted the same message 21 times: “Hi (insert name here). Summer off to a good start?”

Results? 17 (yes, you read that right) responded! One date scheduled. Another has my phone number. 4 or 5 other ongoing conversations, one of which seems to be heading more toward dirty talk than a meeting. One of them pointed out that my profile was sparse (remember, I had never set it up). I updated and got some nice feedback from my penpals.

Now what? I’ll keep you posted.

Buckshot Results

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It’s been two weeks since I introduced my “buckshot” approach. I’m swiping right more liberally and opening up the playing field. Results? Probably not shocking…just more of the same.

This was an all-Bumble trial; the first contact was mine after match notification. In every case I started with hello (and in no case did I “have him at” that), and followed with a question directly related to his photos or profile. To the architect: Are you involved in an interesting project now? To the critic: What genres do you like most? To the writer with funny profile: Do you write comedy? To the others: Any fun plans to kick off the summer?

12 matches. That means that they swiped right on my profile, too. I had a really nice dialogue with one over the course of several days. Then silence. A few responded with answers like “yes” and “thanks;” not engaging…done. One asked for my number but didn’t use it. 2 or 3 placed on hold during long weekend.

5 of them didn’t acknowledge my contact. I had to, just had to, follow up. “So…I’m going to send this same question to several of you…I hope you’ll reply…What changes from your first swipe right til it’s time to respond to a text? (I do it, too, sometimes). We all know this is a crap shoot…let’s at least find out. Aren’t you curious? I am. Let’s face it…it’s not personal at this stage…but maybe, just maybe…(Not desperate. Not needy. Really wondering.)”

Two responses. One told me he’d met someone else, who he’s now dating, right around the same time. I asked if that was true, reminding him he owed me nothing and that I meant this as a learning experience. He said he never lies. Whether or not that’s true is inconsequential today. In short, we texted back and forth a little bit and that was that.

The other one went differently. Turns out he lives in another state. I asked if he was looking for hook ups or if he was cheating on someone. Said he was not a cheater, but was, perhaps, interested in cyber sex. He asked about my relationship/dating status.

“Cheater? Never. Well, maybe in college with high school boyfriend. Hookups? Been a lifelong prude; hoping I’ll find my inner slut one day. Husband? Still on paper but long done in life. Reality? Who the fuck knows?! I want it to blindside me and live happily ever after. Is that asking too much?!” 

He didn’t think I was asking too much. And you won’t be surprised to learn that he offered to help me find my inner slut via sexting. “Harmless. Could be fun.” I tried to do it…to challenge myself. I bailed before I started. To him, I apologize, since he kind of started without me.

A Prince’s Perspective

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Here’s an interesting observation, submitted by a reader…friend…prince…(as always, published unabridged). 

Huddling up at the bar to swipe right or left…

I am not so sure that the Tinder’s and Bumble’s ruling the dating world these days are that much different than those good old days of just going to the bar, club or downtown lounge and trying to meet someone of the opposite sex. Then again, for me those days were not so good; I didn’t have much luck meeting anyone.

Think about it: arriving with our friend(s) with the faint hope of finding someone special, strutting into the place with a wing-man (or wing-woman), grabbing a beer, cocktail, or something in our hands that made us look busy, and then we’d peer around the oppressive environment to see if our eyes could catch a look from someone of the opposite sex.

How is this so different than Tinder? Isn’t this the very same thing as opening up Bumble and peering into the eyes of a person in a photo, our hands holding something to make us feel important, ready to bust a move? It’s no shock how today these twenty-something’s use Tinder for hook-ups, given how it takes away all the unnecessary trappings like travel and venue for them to find immediate gratification instead of wasting an entire evening on the prowl.

The Tinder’s and Bumble’s of the dating and hook-up world rely on that first glance, not on the written word or laundry list of things we like. Of course, some write how they enjoy wine, travel, the beach and good food, yet the focus is not on what is written but simply that initial look in the eyes. This is just like at the bar! Of course, the limited number of matches on those apps are also just like the bar, it’s not THAT simple! Men and women lying about their age, also no different than in the bar when someone told us they were 24 when they were really 34. On the app, the fuzzy photos or group shots with friends cover up the truth that they are really 65! Hell, it’s really no different than when we huddled up at the bar, things haven’t changed that much since being in my twenties.

I’ve tried Match, Plenty of Fish, Jdate, sites that require detailed profile descriptions. But in the end, it is still that first look that matters most. The internal chemical reaction to another’s eyes, face, or countenance draws us in. It’s not any written word, or excuse the expression, how we sell ourselves.

Little has changed other than venue, it is still chemistry uber alles.  For human beings in this difficult mating game, we are still just like mammals in the jungle.

Buckshot? I am all ears!

I have a couple of comments. (Of course I do.)

  1. At the bar, you can get some sense of chemistry, albeit tequila infused. Tequila=good.
  2. A point made in Aziz Ansari’s book, Modern Romance: people are checking dating apps even on their ways to meet dates…you never know what better options may appear. Like bar hopping.

Buckshot

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In a social setting, I met a man who interested me. The more I got to know him, the more interested I was. I started wondering…would I swipe left or right if I found him online? Would I know he was smart? Interesting? Interested? A good person? Would it be clear, from either profile, that we liked to do many of the same things? Would he post photos that drew me in or turned me off?

That’s when I realized the real flaw in the digital dating system; we think we have enough information to make a judgement, but we don’t. We can’t possibly.

We can do some screening. If he’s all about race cars and cigars, that may or may not appeal to you. Maybe it’s obvious that he’s a runner, a traveler, a hiker or a photographer, interests you may or may not share. But there’s more to him than that, isn’t there?

Maybe that photo of him crossing the finish line is from the first and last race he ever ran. Maybe there’s a story behind it. Maybe it’s in the way he tells the story. Maybe it’s the look on his face, in his eyes, as he tells it. Swipe left and you’ll never know.

Which is why I’m introducing my next new approach: buckshot.

 

 

 

 

 

Let Me Elaborate

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I wasn’t very clear yesterday, I know. The Reader’s Digest version, right to the point…I had a great time, felt connected and comfortable, but didn’t see it amounting to a LTR (long term relationship, for any of you not used to the dating site lingo). Why not? There were reasons, feelings, but now I can’t put my finger on them. Maybe I never did. (I will bring this topic to my therapist’s couch and spare you, readers.)

What I wanted to do…planned to do…was get together again and be truthful. I’m not always in step with social code; I don’t do things the way other people do. I color outside the lines. Dance to my own drummer. Talk to strangers. But I know that sometimes I’m inappropriate; I listened to too many people and began to doubt myself. I’m angry with myself for not trusting my instincts, especially at someone else’s expense.

Even more so at the expense of someone I know values honesty and had demonstrated that from day one. Sadly, the societal norm (like the stories more common to my pages) dictated how I behaved. I fucked up. My respect and appreciation for his candid reproach is beyond measure.

Thank you, Neil, for being smarter and braver than I.

I have more to say about first dates. Next time.

 

 

 

 

 

Are They Getting Stupider?

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I don’t know about you, but I’ve been moving toward the dating apps more than the sites. The down side is that I have, more than once, swiped left when, what I really wanted, was to look at photos. Upside features? Newer app, new faces. Ease of use, not smothering us with information, and…this one’s my favorite…connection to our Facebook profiles.

I know you’re sick of hearing this from me, but one more time…I simply can’t let it go! Today a guy came up with a stated age of 49. Looked older. Significantly. His lie was confirmed by his college graduation date of 1976. I’m 53 and graduated in 1984; you do the math.

I see two explanations. Option 1, Doogie Howser. Option 2, not only a liar, but too dumb to know he outed himself right on the spot. I suppose we could flip a coin, but it would keep coming up as option 2 (my homage to Iowa caucus).

Here’s my suggestion to all of you, men and women, who are lying about anything on your profiles. Don’t.

What’s In Your Wallet?

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Not too long ago, a taxi driver told me about a guy he kicked out of his cab. The guy was drunk, and telling the driver about the date he had just left. Bragged that he had “forgotten” his wallet and gotten his date to pay for a very nice dinner.

The other day my friend told me about her latest date disaster. Same story!! Met on one of the sites. Made a date at a very nice place (that he chose). He was running late, had to run home first…

They met at the bar and had a couple of drinks. When the bill came, he told her he’d forgotten his wallet during his quick change at home.

Same guy? Or, is this a thing?

 

Pants on Fire

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One of my friends made a date for the other night. According to his profile, he was about ten years older than she (she’s 39 and has broad age parameters), no kids, all looked interesting.

They made plans for a few days later. Drinks at a nice place, a late start to the evening. He hadn’t seen his buddy in a while, and he didn’t want to cancel the earlier dinner plans. Reasonable. No explanations necessary. In hindsight, that should have been her first clue.

She arrived by taxi; the driver over-shot the address. As she walked back toward the restaurant she saw her date saying goodbye to his buddy…a hot and heavy goodbye as he put her into a cab.

My friend still went in to meet him. And told him what she saw. He briefly hemmed and hawed, and then decided to be truthful. Not about the earlier date, but about himself.

Turns out that “no kids” is, in fact, 5 kids. It appears he decided there was no point in lying anymore. His true age? Guess we’ll never know. I wonder if his wife does.

A Man’s Perspective*: The Invisible Woman

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I’m pretty new to all this. But I’ve noticed a disturbing phenomena in the online dating world. Women just evaporate. One minute, they’re there. Then poof, they’re gone.

I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone. But here’s how it’s happened to me, on two different free sites, with what I thought were a couple of promising connections: A woman reaches out. (Yes, in both cases she initiated contact.) I peruse her profile and reply. We start with small talk, then move on to deeper stuff. When I sense it’s a good time, I suggest we meet in person and offer my phone number. Then radio silence.

When I go online to follow up, she’s gone. Her entire account has been deleted. So it’s not just me that she doesn’t want to meet? She’s giving up online dating completely?

The first time it happened, it was like watching Claude Raines disrobe in “The Invisible Man” with every browser refresh. First the woman’s additional photos came down, then her main profile photo, followed by her written profile, and finally the official notice that the account was deleted. Until that last one I thought there was something wrong with my computer.

Now, these are not bots, or Russian prostitutes, or foreign-exchange students with expired visas looking for a green card. These are women who live in my area, who know the neighborhoods and schools and, up until that moment, are available.

But who are they? Excruciatingly shy and/or grotesquely deformed women?  Lonely housewives trying to find out if they still have “it”? “Catfish” afraid of being caught? Cheating housewives who’ve been caught?

I haven’t the foggiest. But I take it as a blessing. I’d rather know they’re not invested before I invest my time, energy and emotions into developing a real relationship.

Of course, re-entering the dating pool can be scary. I’d be lying if I said I felt any differently. All I ask is that if you’re in it, please be in it. Otherwise it’s just one more distraction for those of us who are.

How have your experiences been? I’d  love to know.

*Welcome to my guest contributor, who will offer occasional insight from a man’s point of view.

Warm Hugs

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This really happened. I don’t remember who started it, but it was an unforgettable exchange.

I responded to a message or a like or a wink with an email. I sign my first name in emails. (For our purposes, my name is Lisa.) In return, I received several paragraphs that began by saying he’d been checking regularly hoping that he’d hear from me. Addressed to Amy. So happy to hear back from you, Amy. I love your profile, Amy. What turns you on or off in a man, Amy?

He shared details of his day going to the gym, doing laundry, and lying on the couch. He punctuated the captivating narrative with “warm hugs” and “smiles.” A real catch; Amy’s one lucky girl! Incidentally, many men describe themselves as “a real catch” in their profiles. Is that appealing to many women? Not to me, but to each his own.

My friend Amy is on the same sites that I’m on. Was she the Amy? Nope. Too bad for him, because for the right man, she will be a real catch.