Just Do It

A few weeks ago I said that I was going to try a new approach to my profile. I kept a short intro paragraph and followed it with a bullet-ed list of things I’d done in the two prior months. Got out my calendar and listed it all. Excluded dentist appointment (though good oral hygiene is important).

I included the books I read during that time, some key TV and internet viewing, specific work related projects, some places I’d been…you get the idea. Cliche or not, our actions speak louder than our words. This, I hypothesized, would keep skewed perception at bay. My goal was to attract men with (any) interests and styles, not necessarily the same as mine. Someone who might join me on my ride, but also take me along on his.

One response. Specifically, he thought the things I’d been doing sounded interesting and fun. Bingo!

He wished he’d been on my ride, all right. He was very nice, but also told me how uninteresting he is. He wants someone to motivate him to do fun things and expose him to things he doesn’t even know he’s missing. Hmm…sounds like work.

When you want to do something that’s within your reach, do it. Or try to. Then, call me.

How Will We Know?

One of the oddest things about online dating is the process, and a process it is. It takes for granted that the photos we post accurately depict us as we are seen. That our essays convey some real element of our personalities. That emphasis falls on details we mean to highlight. That we are honest, with ourselves and with our viewers.

There is an assumption that we actually know what characteristics will appeal to us and that we can identify them. The algorithms determine that we match because we both like the beach and going to the movies, and sends us those connections to view.

Most of the personal essays are similar…good people who love their families, like to laugh, can be trusted, dine out, and go on vacations. An occasional essay conveys some personality and provides a little more insight. From that, one of you makes a move, and now you’re emailing. You learn just a little more. Where his kids live. How long he’s been single. He likes to grill. You’re ready for the phone call.

Awkward. You’ve compared resumes; it’s a phone interview with HR. You learn some more basics, just enough to see if you both think a date is worth your time.

Regardless of all the data in the world, a connection either happens or not when you’re face to face. You may think a certain person is “your type,” and then easy conversation and a natural comfort lead you to the unlikely match. If you get there and don’t “feel it,” you’re  outta luck because you’ve already covered the superficial topics via email and phone calls.

How many of our real candidates are we weeding out for the wrong reasons? I eliminate men with mustaches and men posed with motorcycles. Why?