messages

Tinder Without Borders

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I only recently signed up on Tinder. I registered via my Facebook account and didn’t look at it again til a couple of weeks later. Two nights ago I looked at it for the first time; didn’t even think to look at my own profile page.

Was out with my friend (you’ve read some of her stories). Told her I thought I was at highest age range of Tinder. We checked. I am, but I’m in good company. I started looking and swiping, mostly right with my new buckshot approach, and also because I wasn’t wearing glasses or reading the profiles or looking through the photo options.

About 90% of my right swipes resulted in matches! Continued this for another day, weeded through the errant matches, and started conversations with 21 men. 21!! I texted the same message 21 times: “Hi (insert name here). Summer off to a good start?”

Results? 17 (yes, you read that right) responded! One date scheduled. Another has my phone number. 4 or 5 other ongoing conversations, one of which seems to be heading more toward dirty talk than a meeting. One of them pointed out that my profile was sparse (remember, I had never set it up). I updated and got some nice feedback from my penpals.

Now what? I’ll keep you posted.

Buckshot Results

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It’s been two weeks since I introduced my “buckshot” approach. I’m swiping right more liberally and opening up the playing field. Results? Probably not shocking…just more of the same.

This was an all-Bumble trial; the first contact was mine after match notification. In every case I started with hello (and in no case did I “have him at” that), and followed with a question directly related to his photos or profile. To the architect: Are you involved in an interesting project now? To the critic: What genres do you like most? To the writer with funny profile: Do you write comedy? To the others: Any fun plans to kick off the summer?

12 matches. That means that they swiped right on my profile, too. I had a really nice dialogue with one over the course of several days. Then silence. A few responded with answers like “yes” and “thanks;” not engaging…done. One asked for my number but didn’t use it. 2 or 3 placed on hold during long weekend.

5 of them didn’t acknowledge my contact. I had to, just had to, follow up. “So…I’m going to send this same question to several of you…I hope you’ll reply…What changes from your first swipe right til it’s time to respond to a text? (I do it, too, sometimes). We all know this is a crap shoot…let’s at least find out. Aren’t you curious? I am. Let’s face it…it’s not personal at this stage…but maybe, just maybe…(Not desperate. Not needy. Really wondering.)”

Two responses. One told me he’d met someone else, who he’s now dating, right around the same time. I asked if that was true, reminding him he owed me nothing and that I meant this as a learning experience. He said he never lies. Whether or not that’s true is inconsequential today. In short, we texted back and forth a little bit and that was that.

The other one went differently. Turns out he lives in another state. I asked if he was looking for hook ups or if he was cheating on someone. Said he was not a cheater, but was, perhaps, interested in cyber sex. He asked about my relationship/dating status.

“Cheater? Never. Well, maybe in college with high school boyfriend. Hookups? Been a lifelong prude; hoping I’ll find my inner slut one day. Husband? Still on paper but long done in life. Reality? Who the fuck knows?! I want it to blindside me and live happily ever after. Is that asking too much?!” 

He didn’t think I was asking too much. And you won’t be surprised to learn that he offered to help me find my inner slut via sexting. “Harmless. Could be fun.” I tried to do it…to challenge myself. I bailed before I started. To him, I apologize, since he kind of started without me.

No Excuses

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I’m struggling with writing today; I hope you’ll bear with me if my thoughts are disorganized.

I found myself in a unique situation…I had a great date with a great guy. I even told him about My Frog Princes, certain that he’d never be fodder for my pages. (As they say, turn around is fair play, and he got the conversation started.)

It was my intent to go out again. When I said that I needed to put off another date for a few weeks because of an overwhelming schedule, it was the truth.

Here’s how my brain works: I absorb in the moment; I process later. Details coalesce and form the bigger picture. I concluded that he and I are not on the same path, that the lifestyles we want are not in sync. Religion plays a role in his life that it never has, and never will, in mine. A superficial example: he recently moved to the suburbs after many years in the city. I just did the reverse.

When we were out he told me about his past relationships. He said that falling in love was the easy part; making a life together is the challenge. This stuck with me.

Now, what was the right thing to do? On the sites, many people say they’d like to start as friends, see if that leads to more. But they’re dating sites, not make-friends sites. This particular fact was pointed out to me by several of my friends. What’s misleading? What’s fair?

Again…we had fun. He’s interesting, smart, optimistic, attractive, sensitive and honest. I planned on going out on the second date in order to show him that I really did (do) like him and had a good time with him. Face to face. I wanted to tell him I don’t see us walking the same path.

I want to be friends. I want to help him find the love of his life. Believe me when I say he’s one of the good ones. One of the really, really good ones.

Well…you know how I handled it. He deserves better. I was wrong when I went silent. My instinct was to be honest from the start, then I made some bad decisions.

Neil got his apology and explanation, personally and immediately. We talked. We even made plans. As friends.

 

 

I’m (Almost) Speechless

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Today I received three messages. Good, right?! One of the guys is in Los Angeles. Another is in Texas. I’m in New York. WTF!

The third?

Since my words couldn’t possibly do his justice, here’s a quote from his essay: “If your (his improper grammar, not mine)  searching for an attractive, kind and funny soul–who’s also sincere, suave and sexy…” blah blah this, blah blah that…good in kitchen “…I’ve been told I’m fairly accomplished in some other rooms of the house as well.”

Suddenly, Texas and LA are lookin’ pretty good.

Call Me, Maybe

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I have a friend who successfully gets past initial contacts and always has a date in the works. I asked her to share her secrets, listened to what she said, and gave her strategy a whirl. Seems she knew what she was talking about. And here I am, letting the secret out of the vault.

Following her lead, I joined an additional site, one she recommended. Based on my experiences so far, you get the most attention when you are new to a site. Not necessarily better, but higher volume.

I generally send actual messages addressing something in his profile. A photo, a caption, a reference. I try to include a question. I almost never receive a reply. I’ve changed my photos…no reply. Updated my essay…no reply. Or I get a “thank you,” with no engagement in conversation.

But when I see my friend, she’s waiting on another call. What am I doing wrong? No…what is she doing right?! She sends the winks. When she responds to winks and emails, she doesn’t become a pen pal. She invites him to give her a call.

This weekend I got a nibble from a guy who seemed interesting; I boldly suggested we talk. Voila! We have a call scheduled. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Thanks, Yoda.