honest

No Excuses

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I’m struggling with writing today; I hope you’ll bear with me if my thoughts are disorganized.

I found myself in a unique situation…I had a great date with a great guy. I even told him about My Frog Princes, certain that he’d never be fodder for my pages. (As they say, turn around is fair play, and he got the conversation started.)

It was my intent to go out again. When I said that I needed to put off another date for a few weeks because of an overwhelming schedule, it was the truth.

Here’s how my brain works: I absorb in the moment; I process later. Details coalesce and form the bigger picture. I concluded that he and I are not on the same path, that the lifestyles we want are not in sync. Religion plays a role in his life that it never has, and never will, in mine. A superficial example: he recently moved to the suburbs after many years in the city. I just did the reverse.

When we were out he told me about his past relationships. He said that falling in love was the easy part; making a life together is the challenge. This stuck with me.

Now, what was the right thing to do? On the sites, many people say they’d like to start as friends, see if that leads to more. But they’re dating sites, not make-friends sites. This particular fact was pointed out to me by several of my friends. What’s misleading? What’s fair?

Again…we had fun. He’s interesting, smart, optimistic, attractive, sensitive and honest. I planned on going out on the second date in order to show him that I really did (do) like him and had a good time with him. Face to face. I wanted to tell him I don’t see us walking the same path.

I want to be friends. I want to help him find the love of his life. Believe me when I say he’s one of the good ones. One of the really, really good ones.

Well…you know how I handled it. He deserves better. I was wrong when I went silent. My instinct was to be honest from the start, then I made some bad decisions.

Neil got his apology and explanation, personally and immediately. We talked. We even made plans. As friends.

 

 

How Will We Know?

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One of the oddest things about online dating is the process, and a process it is. It takes for granted that the photos we post accurately depict us as we are seen. That our essays convey some real element of our personalities. That emphasis falls on details we mean to highlight. That we are honest, with ourselves and with our viewers.

There is an assumption that we actually know what characteristics will appeal to us and that we can identify them. The algorithms determine that we match because we both like the beach and going to the movies, and sends us those connections to view.

Most of the personal essays are similar…good people who love their families, like to laugh, can be trusted, dine out, and go on vacations. An occasional essay conveys some personality and provides a little more insight. From that, one of you makes a move, and now you’re emailing. You learn just a little more. Where his kids live. How long he’s been single. He likes to grill. You’re ready for the phone call.

Awkward. You’ve compared resumes; it’s a phone interview with HR. You learn some more basics, just enough to see if you both think a date is worth your time.

Regardless of all the data in the world, a connection either happens or not when you’re face to face. You may think a certain person is “your type,” and then easy conversation and a natural comfort lead you to the unlikely match. If you get there and don’t “feel it,” you’re  outta luck because you’ve already covered the superficial topics via email and phone calls.

How many of our real candidates are we weeding out for the wrong reasons? I eliminate men with mustaches and men posed with motorcycles. Why?