date

For Mature Audiences

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One of my friends takes full advantage of the internet and its offerings (wink, wink). He was a pioneer in the field and I value his expertise (if not always his judgement). His casual, late night encounters would, no doubt, rival any others.

Going into my first Saturday night date (guy who subsequently met his true love, and is, duh, back on the site now), he gave me advice, “bring condoms.” My reaction, “I am not having sex tonight.”

Him: Listen to me. If you think there’s any chance of something more with this guy, then don’t go too far. But, if he’s hot and you’re not going to see him again, get a hotel room and fuck the shit out of him…break the ice.

Delicate, prudish me must admit that he makes a good point.

Define “Success”

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A couple of weeks ago I was perusing the daily specials, the menu of men that one site was recommending for me. One stood out. I’m not sure why, but something…. I messaged him and said just that.

We emailed back and forth, agreed we should meet, and made a plan. Sounds easy, but it took us weeks to come up with a time. He picked an interesting place for drinks. I appreciated the effort that went into finding a good spot. We were off to a good start; this was the first date I’ve gone into optimistically.

It also marked another dating milestone; my first ever nighttime date (and a Saturday, no less!). Threw me into a tizzy of wardrobe decisions. I sent photos of me in various ensembles to friends in a group text. I left them to discuss the options and make the decision while I showered. Thank you, village-it-took-to-dress-me.

We had tons of things in common. We talked about the arcs of our families and how we had gotten to this same place. We share political views and social sensibilities. We both have casual styles. After talking for over 2 hours (and only a couple of drinks each), we were surprised how much time had passed. We parted with a slightly awkward hug and agreed that this had been a successful date. We would definitely do it again.

But what did we mean by successful? There were no sparks. It was a nice evening. Which is what I said in my brief email the next day; “thanks for a very nice evening.” A couple of days passed, and I heard back.

Ready? He wrote to tell me that he had met someone…he believed “the one,” in the days since we’d met (I believe he was sincere). He was kind and encouraging, and thoughtful enough to let me know. I’m nothing but happy for him, for them, and for their fireworks.

Fantasy Date

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It was around midnight on a Friday or Saturday night, and I was checking in on one of my dating sites. As a rule I turn off the live chat features, mostly because I can’t multi-task. I can’t say why, but that night the feature was active and I found myself chatting with a man who definitely did not seem my type (nor I his).

This is a good time to tell you; I’m a bit of an innocent.

Our “conversation” was easy, about golf, golf lessons, golf courses. I don’t quite play golf yet, but I’ve been dabbling. Took a couple of lessons. Bought a golf skirt.

He started telling me about his work with women’s shoes. Very high end, very high heels. We chatted about our preferences in hard liquor. That we were both night owls. About clubbing (not for me).

Then back to the high heels. He was SURE I’d like them, and that they’d look great on me. I laughed (“hahaha”), said we’re clearly not a match, and we signed off.

It was a while before I realized that I’d totally missed his cues. This wasn’t a chat; it was a fantasy date, and I was a no-show.

Call Me, Maybe

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I have a friend who successfully gets past initial contacts and always has a date in the works. I asked her to share her secrets, listened to what she said, and gave her strategy a whirl. Seems she knew what she was talking about. And here I am, letting the secret out of the vault.

Following her lead, I joined an additional site, one she recommended. Based on my experiences so far, you get the most attention when you are new to a site. Not necessarily better, but higher volume.

I generally send actual messages addressing something in his profile. A photo, a caption, a reference. I try to include a question. I almost never receive a reply. I’ve changed my photos…no reply. Updated my essay…no reply. Or I get a “thank you,” with no engagement in conversation.

But when I see my friend, she’s waiting on another call. What am I doing wrong? No…what is she doing right?! She sends the winks. When she responds to winks and emails, she doesn’t become a pen pal. She invites him to give her a call.

This weekend I got a nibble from a guy who seemed interesting; I boldly suggested we talk. Voila! We have a call scheduled. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Thanks, Yoda.