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Searching for Pikachu

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I’m in Florida at the moment, and, naturally, checked in on Bumble and Tinder to see who’s here…who’s been waiting for me all his life.

There was an alarming number of widowed, single fathers whose friends had, just 5 days ago, convinced them to go on. There were also several who lived far, far away. I can’t figure out how or why we matched. They were all in search of true love. They all want to be happy again. (Note to all, men and women alike: Looking for happiness shouldn’t be like playing Pokemon Go. Look for matches. Look for dates. Look for the love of your life. But don’t rely on that to deliver happy if you don’t already embrace it.)

One stood out. Fun looking photos. Mid 50’s and retired; I needed to know how that was. We texted back and forth for several days. Seemed like we had similar likes. We were both interested in simplifying and downsizing our lives. We get our news from the same news sources, of particular importance during this crazy election year.

We realized I was staying very close to where he lives, so we tried to make a lunch plan. Lunch never happened because he was about to have surgery. Turns out, “retired at 54” is code for “on disability.”

Also turns out that “simplifying and just enjoying life” is code for “living with my parents.” The icing? He was using his mother’s phone.

 

 

A Prince’s Perspective

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Here’s an interesting observation, submitted by a reader…friend…prince…(as always, published unabridged). 

Huddling up at the bar to swipe right or left…

I am not so sure that the Tinder’s and Bumble’s ruling the dating world these days are that much different than those good old days of just going to the bar, club or downtown lounge and trying to meet someone of the opposite sex. Then again, for me those days were not so good; I didn’t have much luck meeting anyone.

Think about it: arriving with our friend(s) with the faint hope of finding someone special, strutting into the place with a wing-man (or wing-woman), grabbing a beer, cocktail, or something in our hands that made us look busy, and then we’d peer around the oppressive environment to see if our eyes could catch a look from someone of the opposite sex.

How is this so different than Tinder? Isn’t this the very same thing as opening up Bumble and peering into the eyes of a person in a photo, our hands holding something to make us feel important, ready to bust a move? It’s no shock how today these twenty-something’s use Tinder for hook-ups, given how it takes away all the unnecessary trappings like travel and venue for them to find immediate gratification instead of wasting an entire evening on the prowl.

The Tinder’s and Bumble’s of the dating and hook-up world rely on that first glance, not on the written word or laundry list of things we like. Of course, some write how they enjoy wine, travel, the beach and good food, yet the focus is not on what is written but simply that initial look in the eyes. This is just like at the bar! Of course, the limited number of matches on those apps are also just like the bar, it’s not THAT simple! Men and women lying about their age, also no different than in the bar when someone told us they were 24 when they were really 34. On the app, the fuzzy photos or group shots with friends cover up the truth that they are really 65! Hell, it’s really no different than when we huddled up at the bar, things haven’t changed that much since being in my twenties.

I’ve tried Match, Plenty of Fish, Jdate, sites that require detailed profile descriptions. But in the end, it is still that first look that matters most. The internal chemical reaction to another’s eyes, face, or countenance draws us in. It’s not any written word, or excuse the expression, how we sell ourselves.

Little has changed other than venue, it is still chemistry uber alles.  For human beings in this difficult mating game, we are still just like mammals in the jungle.

Buckshot? I am all ears!

I have a couple of comments. (Of course I do.)

  1. At the bar, you can get some sense of chemistry, albeit tequila infused. Tequila=good.
  2. A point made in Aziz Ansari’s book, Modern Romance: people are checking dating apps even on their ways to meet dates…you never know what better options may appear. Like bar hopping.

What’ve We Got to Lose?

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First dates. In his book, Modern Romance*, Aziz Ansari writes that he and his friends’ “goal was…to meet someone who instantly swept us off our feet, but it just didn’t seem to be happening.”

First dates hold promise. They engage our fantasies. Too much. You’re picturing that amazing first kiss. You see yourself moving in…getting a dog…hiking together through the English countryside (where the sun is always shining, because it’s a fantasy).

Back to first date reality. Maybe you don’t have as much in common as you’d expected. Maybe he had a bad day. Or you did. Maybe he doesn’t get your jokes, or you don’t find him engaging. But maybe…just maybe…our fantasies are getting in our ways and we’re not giving these dates enough of a chance.

Take the opposite experience…you both immediately feel a real connection and attraction. In this scenario, you see each other a few times…get to know each other a little more. Turns out you’re not as compatible as you first thought. He and your friends don’t hit it off. You have a hard time agreeing on a movie. He’s too needy…too aloof…too busy…drinks too much…makes fun of your favorite show…or the shine has just quickly worn off. You took the time, and now you know that he isn’t “the one.”

You don’t get a job after a first interview. And a third interview still doesn’t guarantee an offer. They saw more of what you’re about, and you learned more about the opportunity. The fit might not be there. Or, surprise, this might be the dream job you didn’t even know you wanted!

Look, some dates are uncomfortable. Some are downright offensive (From those, we run with lightening speed). But there could sometimes be sparks there, right below the surface, that need a little stirring to catch. Stoke it a little. Why not?

 

*My review: Modern Romance was really informative and very funny. Aziz Ansari’s voice, personality and comic style are on every page.

Modern Romance was written by Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg.

Let Me Elaborate

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I wasn’t very clear yesterday, I know. The Reader’s Digest version, right to the point…I had a great time, felt connected and comfortable, but didn’t see it amounting to a LTR (long term relationship, for any of you not used to the dating site lingo). Why not? There were reasons, feelings, but now I can’t put my finger on them. Maybe I never did. (I will bring this topic to my therapist’s couch and spare you, readers.)

What I wanted to do…planned to do…was get together again and be truthful. I’m not always in step with social code; I don’t do things the way other people do. I color outside the lines. Dance to my own drummer. Talk to strangers. But I know that sometimes I’m inappropriate; I listened to too many people and began to doubt myself. I’m angry with myself for not trusting my instincts, especially at someone else’s expense.

Even more so at the expense of someone I know values honesty and had demonstrated that from day one. Sadly, the societal norm (like the stories more common to my pages) dictated how I behaved. I fucked up. My respect and appreciation for his candid reproach is beyond measure.

Thank you, Neil, for being smarter and braver than I.

I have more to say about first dates. Next time.

 

 

 

 

 

No Excuses

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I’m struggling with writing today; I hope you’ll bear with me if my thoughts are disorganized.

I found myself in a unique situation…I had a great date with a great guy. I even told him about My Frog Princes, certain that he’d never be fodder for my pages. (As they say, turn around is fair play, and he got the conversation started.)

It was my intent to go out again. When I said that I needed to put off another date for a few weeks because of an overwhelming schedule, it was the truth.

Here’s how my brain works: I absorb in the moment; I process later. Details coalesce and form the bigger picture. I concluded that he and I are not on the same path, that the lifestyles we want are not in sync. Religion plays a role in his life that it never has, and never will, in mine. A superficial example: he recently moved to the suburbs after many years in the city. I just did the reverse.

When we were out he told me about his past relationships. He said that falling in love was the easy part; making a life together is the challenge. This stuck with me.

Now, what was the right thing to do? On the sites, many people say they’d like to start as friends, see if that leads to more. But they’re dating sites, not make-friends sites. This particular fact was pointed out to me by several of my friends. What’s misleading? What’s fair?

Again…we had fun. He’s interesting, smart, optimistic, attractive, sensitive and honest. I planned on going out on the second date in order to show him that I really did (do) like him and had a good time with him. Face to face. I wanted to tell him I don’t see us walking the same path.

I want to be friends. I want to help him find the love of his life. Believe me when I say he’s one of the good ones. One of the really, really good ones.

Well…you know how I handled it. He deserves better. I was wrong when I went silent. My instinct was to be honest from the start, then I made some bad decisions.

Neil got his apology and explanation, personally and immediately. We talked. We even made plans. As friends.

 

 

Are They Getting Stupider?

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I don’t know about you, but I’ve been moving toward the dating apps more than the sites. The down side is that I have, more than once, swiped left when, what I really wanted, was to look at photos. Upside features? Newer app, new faces. Ease of use, not smothering us with information, and…this one’s my favorite…connection to our Facebook profiles.

I know you’re sick of hearing this from me, but one more time…I simply can’t let it go! Today a guy came up with a stated age of 49. Looked older. Significantly. His lie was confirmed by his college graduation date of 1976. I’m 53 and graduated in 1984; you do the math.

I see two explanations. Option 1, Doogie Howser. Option 2, not only a liar, but too dumb to know he outed himself right on the spot. I suppose we could flip a coin, but it would keep coming up as option 2 (my homage to Iowa caucus).

Here’s my suggestion to all of you, men and women, who are lying about anything on your profiles. Don’t.

Pants on Fire

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One of my friends made a date for the other night. According to his profile, he was about ten years older than she (she’s 39 and has broad age parameters), no kids, all looked interesting.

They made plans for a few days later. Drinks at a nice place, a late start to the evening. He hadn’t seen his buddy in a while, and he didn’t want to cancel the earlier dinner plans. Reasonable. No explanations necessary. In hindsight, that should have been her first clue.

She arrived by taxi; the driver over-shot the address. As she walked back toward the restaurant she saw her date saying goodbye to his buddy…a hot and heavy goodbye as he put her into a cab.

My friend still went in to meet him. And told him what she saw. He briefly hemmed and hawed, and then decided to be truthful. Not about the earlier date, but about himself.

Turns out that “no kids” is, in fact, 5 kids. It appears he decided there was no point in lying anymore. His true age? Guess we’ll never know. I wonder if his wife does.

It Ain’t Me, Babe

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I was recently swiping and this guy came up. There was one photo, in which he was wearing sunglasses and a hat, and the location was completely nondescript…maybe a construction site or a landfill. He offered no information; he wrote one line that was vague. Of course, my curiosity won out and I swiped right.

He messaged me, “Looking for me?” followed with an icon to “click here” to know more about him. I clicked, and a good photo of him appeared. Nice enough looking, and he was putting a little effort into the process. So I responded, “Creative, interesting start.”

His response: “So take a bath, shave your legs and invite me over.” Eww.

It’s interesting how misled I was by my own perception. In my head, he was being playful and creative, and that intrigued me.  I liked the photo I had clicked to open; he looked serious but nice. Now, I look at the same photo, I see a misogynist, and I feel like I need a shower.

He, like the rest of us, is playing the odds. But he and I aren’t in the same game.

 

I’m (Almost) Speechless

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Today I received three messages. Good, right?! One of the guys is in Los Angeles. Another is in Texas. I’m in New York. WTF!

The third?

Since my words couldn’t possibly do his justice, here’s a quote from his essay: “If your (his improper grammar, not mine)  searching for an attractive, kind and funny soul–who’s also sincere, suave and sexy…” blah blah this, blah blah that…good in kitchen “…I’ve been told I’m fairly accomplished in some other rooms of the house as well.”

Suddenly, Texas and LA are lookin’ pretty good.