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Fantasy Date

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It was around midnight on a Friday or Saturday night, and I was checking in on one of my dating sites. As a rule I turn off the live chat features, mostly because I can’t multi-task. I can’t say why, but that night the feature was active and I found myself chatting with a man who definitely did not seem my type (nor I his).

This is a good time to tell you; I’m a bit of an innocent.

Our “conversation” was easy, about golf, golf lessons, golf courses. I don’t quite play golf yet, but I’ve been dabbling. Took a couple of lessons. Bought a golf skirt.

He started telling me about his work with women’s shoes. Very high end, very high heels. We chatted about our preferences in hard liquor. That we were both night owls. About clubbing (not for me).

Then back to the high heels. He was SURE I’d like them, and that they’d look great on me. I laughed (“hahaha”), said we’re clearly not a match, and we signed off.

It was a while before I realized that I’d totally missed his cues. This wasn’t a chat; it was a fantasy date, and I was a no-show.

How Will We Know?

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One of the oddest things about online dating is the process, and a process it is. It takes for granted that the photos we post accurately depict us as we are seen. That our essays convey some real element of our personalities. That emphasis falls on details we mean to highlight. That we are honest, with ourselves and with our viewers.

There is an assumption that we actually know what characteristics will appeal to us and that we can identify them. The algorithms determine that we match because we both like the beach and going to the movies, and sends us those connections to view.

Most of the personal essays are similar…good people who love their families, like to laugh, can be trusted, dine out, and go on vacations. An occasional essay conveys some personality and provides a little more insight. From that, one of you makes a move, and now you’re emailing. You learn just a little more. Where his kids live. How long he’s been single. He likes to grill. You’re ready for the phone call.

Awkward. You’ve compared resumes; it’s a phone interview with HR. You learn some more basics, just enough to see if you both think a date is worth your time.

Regardless of all the data in the world, a connection either happens or not when you’re face to face. You may think a certain person is “your type,” and then easy conversation and a natural comfort lead you to the unlikely match. If you get there and don’t “feel it,” you’re  outta luck because you’ve already covered the superficial topics via email and phone calls.

How many of our real candidates are we weeding out for the wrong reasons? I eliminate men with mustaches and men posed with motorcycles. Why?

My Virtual Boyfriend

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Almost immediately after registering on my first dating site, I made a connection. But that’s not where this story begins.

Last summer I saw one of the 70’s jam bands (think Grateful Dead-ish). At the show, I mentioned to one of my friends that the next love of my life could be in that crowd. Yes, the next love of my life could be a bald guy in tie dye.

Fast forward several weeks and I’m an internet dating virgin. I read a profile that interests me. He seems low key, and we share a couple of interests, so I send an email. And he responds. Wouldn’t ya know it, he was at that same concert. Jam bands are his jam.

We emailed back and forth a couple of times and set up a phone date. He was nice. Shared a lot about himself, and we had a few coincidences that made conversation easy enough. I checked him out on facebook, bald guy in tie dye at a concert. Every photo. Every single photo. I had my doubts.

The second phone call overwhelmed me. He’d thought about me non-stop and felt we had a real connection. Too much based on too little.

The next day I broke up with my virtual boyfriend like a millennial…by text.

The First Date

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Here’s what I knew going into my first ever date:  After a few nice emails, I had enough info to check him out online. I found enough to know that he could potentially be an interesting person. I also knew from his profile that he’s never been married. In a phone call with no spark, I got the impression he was lackluster; he fit my stereotype of an overgrown Long Island boy who never quite got it together and whose identity now is NY cynic and trivia buff.

When he texted to follow up on our phone call, I decided to meet him and see what he was like in person. I almost cancelled due to weather, but my friends convinced me to push through. They were right, and I’m glad I did. (Don’t get too excited.)

I arrived early to a coffee place that was pretty cool, though way too crowded. Found a place to park myself and read on my kindle until he arrived. I held onto two seats (not without effort) while he got us coffee. By the time he sat with me, I knew I could leave at any point. Two things stood out; black walking shoe type sneakers with white laces, and non-stop nail biting.

He was totally nice enough, but my first impressions on the phone were correct. His list of interests is comprised of NY sports teams and the big three tv shows (Seinfeld, Entourage, and Curb). There was no story, not even some snappy conversation. After an hour and a half or so, I suggested getting out of the small space, and we parted with a handshake.

So, why am I glad I went? Because I read him correctly from the beginning, and this reinforced trust in my instincts. There have been some odd online dating connections, some that vaporized before there was any real contact, one I had to break up with before ever meeting him, and one that was clearly a dangerous crazy. I’m glad I went out for a nice cup of coffee with a nice, regular guy…my first ever date.