Single

Any Friend of Your’s…

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In college, I met my future ex-husband through a friend, Joe. Joe introduced two other friends of his who are now married. Years later, he met one of their other friends, and they formed a relationship that lasted several years. None of these were fix-ups, just friends meeting friends.

When my sister was backpacking after college, her college friend told her to look for his good friend from high school, also travelling. They did meet, and have been friends ever since.

So there’s some logic to the sites that let us know how many facebook friends we share with our match. But we all know that “facebook friends” are not necessarily our real friends. They may be acquaintances, or people we met once. They may be people we worked with, or someone we knew very, very well a very, very long time ago. Our old babysitters and teachers. Our kids’ friends and friends’ kids.

Friend of a friend on facebook is not equivalent to joining mutual friends for some shared experience. If you’re at your friends dinner party, your hosts considered how the combined guests might connect for comfortable and interesting conversation. Not so with random and broad facebook connections.

There’s a potential downside to the mutual friend. Maybe that friend is an old flame. Or you don’t intertwine your work and social relationships. And, if your shared friend knows you’re dating and knows “he’s” dating, why haven’t they thought to introduce you? Or did they, and then decide against it? Why? What if the mutual friend is uncomfortable answering your questions about your match?

Of course, it’s possible that the mutual friend connection could play out well and help things along. Like when we have mutual love for dogs and Italian food, a proven formula for success.

How You Doin’?

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Saturday:  I was just chatting on one of the sites. I signed off without letting him know I was leaving; he was freaking me out. Not in a threatening way. Can’t even say he was creepy. Too persistent…catches me every time I’m there. On the particular site, I don’t think there is a way to sign in invisibly.

I did start chatting with him after he made a third request in as many days…gotta admire his tenacity. I hadn’t responded earlier because I think he’s skimming more than a couple of years off his age, based on photos. I understand vanity, but, also enough already with the liars (there are way too many of them). We get it. You want to attract someone younger. Guess what. Us too.

What sent me running, though, was the series of lines. A compliment is nice. He reached out, so I asked what he was doing. He answered that he was thinking about a date with me. I asked about his weekend plans…hopefully spending time with me. Stop it! Don’t tell me you’d like to have a conversation; have a conversation! Ask a question (and not “where’d you find the fountain of youth?”).

Sunday: Today he asked why I stopped chatting and said he’d like to get to know me. Nope. Then I feel bad about not answering (since I feel bad when I don’t receive a response).

Tuesday: He’s still messaging me, this time with a question about my weekend. I can say with certainty that he’s not “the one.” Begs the question, is it nice or mean that I responded to his question/message? I really don’t know (and am very interested, reader, in your take on this).

Define “Success”

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A couple of weeks ago I was perusing the daily specials, the menu of men that one site was recommending for me. One stood out. I’m not sure why, but something…. I messaged him and said just that.

We emailed back and forth, agreed we should meet, and made a plan. Sounds easy, but it took us weeks to come up with a time. He picked an interesting place for drinks. I appreciated the effort that went into finding a good spot. We were off to a good start; this was the first date I’ve gone into optimistically.

It also marked another dating milestone; my first ever nighttime date (and a Saturday, no less!). Threw me into a tizzy of wardrobe decisions. I sent photos of me in various ensembles to friends in a group text. I left them to discuss the options and make the decision while I showered. Thank you, village-it-took-to-dress-me.

We had tons of things in common. We talked about the arcs of our families and how we had gotten to this same place. We share political views and social sensibilities. We both have casual styles. After talking for over 2 hours (and only a couple of drinks each), we were surprised how much time had passed. We parted with a slightly awkward hug and agreed that this had been a successful date. We would definitely do it again.

But what did we mean by successful? There were no sparks. It was a nice evening. Which is what I said in my brief email the next day; “thanks for a very nice evening.” A couple of days passed, and I heard back.

Ready? He wrote to tell me that he had met someone…he believed “the one,” in the days since we’d met (I believe he was sincere). He was kind and encouraging, and thoughtful enough to let me know. I’m nothing but happy for him, for them, and for their fireworks.

A Happy Ending?

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I was with a friend of mine the other night. Single woman, mid-thirties.

For several years she didn’t date. She had her reasons. It’s been about 3 years since she’s entered the dating pool and she’s embraced the process. As a matter of fact, soon after learning that I was newly single she was encouraging me to dive in, too. Not to meet “him” necessarily, but to have fun.

We talked about My Frog Princes, dating sites, and then more specifically, about our individual experiences. She showed me her list, started January 2013.

64 guys! That’s actual dates! Remember the men my age who are looking for younger women? This younger woman says “no thank you” (or “ick”) when she hears from them.

The list includes where they went or what they did on first dates. It got interesting when she shared the encoded details. Here’s how they break down: 43 first dates (kissed 9); 4 second dates; 7 third or fourth; 4 relationships that lasted a month or more; 11 more than kissed, less than sex; had sex with 7. Always on her own terms. That’s why she’s been enjoying the process and stays in the game.

Now there’s someone special in her life, the list filed away. Dare we believe in a happy ending (of the fairy tale type, perverts)?

Me, A Cougar?

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My twentysomething daughter and her friends were at my place talking about their dating profiles. Like the old days of driving carpools, I was the fly on the wall. I actually sat at my computer taking notes on their advice to each other.

My number one take-away…less is more. If you’re more specific, you are narrowing your options. I rewrote my essays with this in mind. I wanted to make a few important but general points about who I am (or how I see myself), in a just a few compelling sentences.

TWO men emailed me, and both commented on my essay! Here’s the best part…they’re both a couple of years younger than me. Any woman who’s checked out online dating will tell you that many men specify their preference for younger women. Of course they do. They say their friends would tell you they look, feel and act younger than their ages. They may mention sex in their interests sections; they don’t mention Viagra.

I’ve sent my number to one and haven’t yet responded to the other. As usual, will update as there’s more to know.

Phew…I’m on fi-ya!!

Call Me, Maybe

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I have a friend who successfully gets past initial contacts and always has a date in the works. I asked her to share her secrets, listened to what she said, and gave her strategy a whirl. Seems she knew what she was talking about. And here I am, letting the secret out of the vault.

Following her lead, I joined an additional site, one she recommended. Based on my experiences so far, you get the most attention when you are new to a site. Not necessarily better, but higher volume.

I generally send actual messages addressing something in his profile. A photo, a caption, a reference. I try to include a question. I almost never receive a reply. I’ve changed my photos…no reply. Updated my essay…no reply. Or I get a “thank you,” with no engagement in conversation.

But when I see my friend, she’s waiting on another call. What am I doing wrong? No…what is she doing right?! She sends the winks. When she responds to winks and emails, she doesn’t become a pen pal. She invites him to give her a call.

This weekend I got a nibble from a guy who seemed interesting; I boldly suggested we talk. Voila! We have a call scheduled. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Thanks, Yoda.