sex

Tinder Without Borders

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I only recently signed up on Tinder. I registered via my Facebook account and didn’t look at it again til a couple of weeks later. Two nights ago I looked at it for the first time; didn’t even think to look at my own profile page.

Was out with my friend (you’ve read some of her stories). Told her I thought I was at highest age range of Tinder. We checked. I am, but I’m in good company. I started looking and swiping, mostly right with my new buckshot approach, and also because I wasn’t wearing glasses or reading the profiles or looking through the photo options.

About 90% of my right swipes resulted in matches! Continued this for another day, weeded through the errant matches, and started conversations with 21 men. 21!! I texted the same message 21 times: “Hi (insert name here). Summer off to a good start?”

Results? 17 (yes, you read that right) responded! One date scheduled. Another has my phone number. 4 or 5 other ongoing conversations, one of which seems to be heading more toward dirty talk than a meeting. One of them pointed out that my profile was sparse (remember, I had never set it up). I updated and got some nice feedback from my penpals.

Now what? I’ll keep you posted.

It Ain’t Me, Babe

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I was recently swiping and this guy came up. There was one photo, in which he was wearing sunglasses and a hat, and the location was completely nondescript…maybe a construction site or a landfill. He offered no information; he wrote one line that was vague. Of course, my curiosity won out and I swiped right.

He messaged me, “Looking for me?” followed with an icon to “click here” to know more about him. I clicked, and a good photo of him appeared. Nice enough looking, and he was putting a little effort into the process. So I responded, “Creative, interesting start.”

His response: “So take a bath, shave your legs and invite me over.” Eww.

It’s interesting how misled I was by my own perception. In my head, he was being playful and creative, and that intrigued me.  I liked the photo I had clicked to open; he looked serious but nice. Now, I look at the same photo, I see a misogynist, and I feel like I need a shower.

He, like the rest of us, is playing the odds. But he and I aren’t in the same game.

 

More On Organic vs. Virtual

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Let’s say you meet someone; let’s say at a friend’s party.

When you’re introduced, your host tells each of you about the volunteer work that the other does. Some common ground. You talk about the personal experiences that led you to your causes, and about the ways each of you contribute.

One extraneous comment sets conversation in a new direction, and you learn that you’re both super-fans of the same team. That you grew up in the towns right next to each other and hung out at some of the same places way back when (you probably never met back then because of the 2 year age difference).  You rescued the same breed of dog. Did I mention that he went to grad school at an esteemed university and is well respected in his field?

Now, let’s equate that initial conversation with viewing each other’s profiles. The basic profile formats provide the same types of information regarding background and areas of common interest (education, tennis, movies). Call that a wash (or close enough).

In one of my earliest posts, I mocked the not-so-humble essays that tell us about the well educated, fit, adventure-seeking connoisseur who loves his family and the beach. It’s time I reconsidered. What, after all, are our options?

It is a struggle to write our essays. I mean…of course everybody’s talking themselves up. (For today, I’m not addressing liars.) We do, after all, have interests that are important parts of who we are; we all participate in the world in different ways. And if their tones were more modest…well…mightn’t they seem insincere? We wouldn’t look twice if he presented himself in negative terms!

I’ve championed the less-is-more essay. On the other hand, I find it difficult to message a man who hasn’t included something specific in his profile for me to address. I’m going to try a new approach.

I learn the most about myself by looking back over decisions I’ve made and how I’ve spent my time when it was mine to spend. I’m going to apply that to a new set of profile essays and let my recent activities speak for me. I’ll include events I attended and TV shows I watched. Work I did. Restaurants. Movies. Books. Maybe some silly anecdote.

Groundbreaking? Doubt it, but will let you know if it has any impact.

Small World

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A week or so ago I signed up for my first swiping site. It took me a few attempts to get the hang of it. When I meant to be looking through photos, I was actually accepting and declining. Next mistake, I didn’t realize that it automatically updated for my location.

I’m down in Florida for a quick visit with my parents. I opened the app. At first, it didn’t register with me that the men I was viewing were Floridians. Once it did, I decided to go with it; I’m down here enough if anyone turned out to be interesting. Someone has.

Someone just like me, who didn’t realize when he landed from the UK that he was viewing locals. Dumb luck. We texted for a day. Then we talked on the phone. Naturally, this call was the easiest of my calls so far (the accent didn’t hurt). With only one possible time slot that we’re both in town without commitments, we’re meeting later for a drink.

As always, details will follow for you, my voyeurs.

Slip Out the Back, Jack

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Exit strategies…particularly appropriate to discuss following my last post.

After a comfortable, pleasant date, I received an email letting me know that he had met his special someone in the days after our date. Was he just letting me down easy? Whether or not it’s the truth, he was kind and considerate enough to let me know I wouldn’t be hearing from him.

My friend Amy had been on two dates with a man who was calling to make plans for the third. She wasn’t interested. She couldn’t say she’d met someone; they’d been introduced by a mutual friend and she might be found out. It was wrong to both the man and the friend to ignore his calls.

My daughter suggested the obvious. The fade away. “I can’t this week. No, not next week either. I’m just so busy this month. I’m under too much stress at work; it wouldn’t be fair to ask you to be around me. I think I’m getting sick; I don’t want you to catch it. My friend is coming to town and staying with me; I have no idea when she’s leaving.”

There’s no easy way to say it. No easy way to hear it. But nicer is…well…nicer.

Any “exit strategy” you’d like to share?

A Happy Ending?

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I was with a friend of mine the other night. Single woman, mid-thirties.

For several years she didn’t date. She had her reasons. It’s been about 3 years since she’s entered the dating pool and she’s embraced the process. As a matter of fact, soon after learning that I was newly single she was encouraging me to dive in, too. Not to meet “him” necessarily, but to have fun.

We talked about My Frog Princes, dating sites, and then more specifically, about our individual experiences. She showed me her list, started January 2013.

64 guys! That’s actual dates! Remember the men my age who are looking for younger women? This younger woman says “no thank you” (or “ick”) when she hears from them.

The list includes where they went or what they did on first dates. It got interesting when she shared the encoded details. Here’s how they break down: 43 first dates (kissed 9); 4 second dates; 7 third or fourth; 4 relationships that lasted a month or more; 11 more than kissed, less than sex; had sex with 7. Always on her own terms. That’s why she’s been enjoying the process and stays in the game.

Now there’s someone special in her life, the list filed away. Dare we believe in a happy ending (of the fairy tale type, perverts)?