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Searching for Pikachu

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I’m in Florida at the moment, and, naturally, checked in on Bumble and Tinder to see who’s here…who’s been waiting for me all his life.

There was an alarming number of widowed, single fathers whose friends had, just 5 days ago, convinced them to go on. There were also several who lived far, far away. I can’t figure out how or why we matched. They were all in search of true love. They all want to be happy again. (Note to all, men and women alike: Looking for happiness shouldn’t be like playing Pokemon Go. Look for matches. Look for dates. Look for the love of your life. But don’t rely on that to deliver happy if you don’t already embrace it.)

One stood out. Fun looking photos. Mid 50’s and retired; I needed to know how that was. We texted back and forth for several days. Seemed like we had similar likes. We were both interested in simplifying and downsizing our lives. We get our news from the same news sources, of particular importance during this crazy election year.

We realized I was staying very close to where he lives, so we tried to make a lunch plan. Lunch never happened because he was about to have surgery. Turns out, “retired at 54” is code for “on disability.”

Also turns out that “simplifying and just enjoying life” is code for “living with my parents.” The icing? He was using his mother’s phone.

 

 

A Prince’s Perspective

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Here’s an interesting observation, submitted by a reader…friend…prince…(as always, published unabridged). 

Huddling up at the bar to swipe right or left…

I am not so sure that the Tinder’s and Bumble’s ruling the dating world these days are that much different than those good old days of just going to the bar, club or downtown lounge and trying to meet someone of the opposite sex. Then again, for me those days were not so good; I didn’t have much luck meeting anyone.

Think about it: arriving with our friend(s) with the faint hope of finding someone special, strutting into the place with a wing-man (or wing-woman), grabbing a beer, cocktail, or something in our hands that made us look busy, and then we’d peer around the oppressive environment to see if our eyes could catch a look from someone of the opposite sex.

How is this so different than Tinder? Isn’t this the very same thing as opening up Bumble and peering into the eyes of a person in a photo, our hands holding something to make us feel important, ready to bust a move? It’s no shock how today these twenty-something’s use Tinder for hook-ups, given how it takes away all the unnecessary trappings like travel and venue for them to find immediate gratification instead of wasting an entire evening on the prowl.

The Tinder’s and Bumble’s of the dating and hook-up world rely on that first glance, not on the written word or laundry list of things we like. Of course, some write how they enjoy wine, travel, the beach and good food, yet the focus is not on what is written but simply that initial look in the eyes. This is just like at the bar! Of course, the limited number of matches on those apps are also just like the bar, it’s not THAT simple! Men and women lying about their age, also no different than in the bar when someone told us they were 24 when they were really 34. On the app, the fuzzy photos or group shots with friends cover up the truth that they are really 65! Hell, it’s really no different than when we huddled up at the bar, things haven’t changed that much since being in my twenties.

I’ve tried Match, Plenty of Fish, Jdate, sites that require detailed profile descriptions. But in the end, it is still that first look that matters most. The internal chemical reaction to another’s eyes, face, or countenance draws us in. It’s not any written word, or excuse the expression, how we sell ourselves.

Little has changed other than venue, it is still chemistry uber alles.  For human beings in this difficult mating game, we are still just like mammals in the jungle.

Buckshot? I am all ears!

I have a couple of comments. (Of course I do.)

  1. At the bar, you can get some sense of chemistry, albeit tequila infused. Tequila=good.
  2. A point made in Aziz Ansari’s book, Modern Romance: people are checking dating apps even on their ways to meet dates…you never know what better options may appear. Like bar hopping.

What’ve We Got to Lose?

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First dates. In his book, Modern Romance*, Aziz Ansari writes that he and his friends’ “goal was…to meet someone who instantly swept us off our feet, but it just didn’t seem to be happening.”

First dates hold promise. They engage our fantasies. Too much. You’re picturing that amazing first kiss. You see yourself moving in…getting a dog…hiking together through the English countryside (where the sun is always shining, because it’s a fantasy).

Back to first date reality. Maybe you don’t have as much in common as you’d expected. Maybe he had a bad day. Or you did. Maybe he doesn’t get your jokes, or you don’t find him engaging. But maybe…just maybe…our fantasies are getting in our ways and we’re not giving these dates enough of a chance.

Take the opposite experience…you both immediately feel a real connection and attraction. In this scenario, you see each other a few times…get to know each other a little more. Turns out you’re not as compatible as you first thought. He and your friends don’t hit it off. You have a hard time agreeing on a movie. He’s too needy…too aloof…too busy…drinks too much…makes fun of your favorite show…or the shine has just quickly worn off. You took the time, and now you know that he isn’t “the one.”

You don’t get a job after a first interview. And a third interview still doesn’t guarantee an offer. They saw more of what you’re about, and you learned more about the opportunity. The fit might not be there. Or, surprise, this might be the dream job you didn’t even know you wanted!

Look, some dates are uncomfortable. Some are downright offensive (From those, we run with lightening speed). But there could sometimes be sparks there, right below the surface, that need a little stirring to catch. Stoke it a little. Why not?

 

*My review: Modern Romance was really informative and very funny. Aziz Ansari’s voice, personality and comic style are on every page.

Modern Romance was written by Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg.

Let Me Elaborate

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I wasn’t very clear yesterday, I know. The Reader’s Digest version, right to the point…I had a great time, felt connected and comfortable, but didn’t see it amounting to a LTR (long term relationship, for any of you not used to the dating site lingo). Why not? There were reasons, feelings, but now I can’t put my finger on them. Maybe I never did. (I will bring this topic to my therapist’s couch and spare you, readers.)

What I wanted to do…planned to do…was get together again and be truthful. I’m not always in step with social code; I don’t do things the way other people do. I color outside the lines. Dance to my own drummer. Talk to strangers. But I know that sometimes I’m inappropriate; I listened to too many people and began to doubt myself. I’m angry with myself for not trusting my instincts, especially at someone else’s expense.

Even more so at the expense of someone I know values honesty and had demonstrated that from day one. Sadly, the societal norm (like the stories more common to my pages) dictated how I behaved. I fucked up. My respect and appreciation for his candid reproach is beyond measure.

Thank you, Neil, for being smarter and braver than I.

I have more to say about first dates. Next time.

 

 

 

 

 

Are They Getting Stupider?

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I don’t know about you, but I’ve been moving toward the dating apps more than the sites. The down side is that I have, more than once, swiped left when, what I really wanted, was to look at photos. Upside features? Newer app, new faces. Ease of use, not smothering us with information, and…this one’s my favorite…connection to our Facebook profiles.

I know you’re sick of hearing this from me, but one more time…I simply can’t let it go! Today a guy came up with a stated age of 49. Looked older. Significantly. His lie was confirmed by his college graduation date of 1976. I’m 53 and graduated in 1984; you do the math.

I see two explanations. Option 1, Doogie Howser. Option 2, not only a liar, but too dumb to know he outed himself right on the spot. I suppose we could flip a coin, but it would keep coming up as option 2 (my homage to Iowa caucus).

Here’s my suggestion to all of you, men and women, who are lying about anything on your profiles. Don’t.

What’s In Your Wallet?

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Not too long ago, a taxi driver told me about a guy he kicked out of his cab. The guy was drunk, and telling the driver about the date he had just left. Bragged that he had “forgotten” his wallet and gotten his date to pay for a very nice dinner.

The other day my friend told me about her latest date disaster. Same story!! Met on one of the sites. Made a date at a very nice place (that he chose). He was running late, had to run home first…

They met at the bar and had a couple of drinks. When the bill came, he told her he’d forgotten his wallet during his quick change at home.

Same guy? Or, is this a thing?

 

Just Do It

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A few weeks ago I said that I was going to try a new approach to my profile. I kept a short intro paragraph and followed it with a bullet-ed list of things I’d done in the two prior months. Got out my calendar and listed it all. Excluded dentist appointment (though good oral hygiene is important).

I included the books I read during that time, some key TV and internet viewing, specific work related projects, some places I’d been…you get the idea. Cliche or not, our actions speak louder than our words. This, I hypothesized, would keep skewed perception at bay. My goal was to attract men with (any) interests and styles, not necessarily the same as mine. Someone who might join me on my ride, but also take me along on his.

One response. Specifically, he thought the things I’d been doing sounded interesting and fun. Bingo!

He wished he’d been on my ride, all right. He was very nice, but also told me how uninteresting he is. He wants someone to motivate him to do fun things and expose him to things he doesn’t even know he’s missing. Hmm…sounds like work.

When you want to do something that’s within your reach, do it. Or try to. Then, call me.

Can You Hear Me Now?

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Written communication has its flaws, especially when you don’t know the other person. It’s hard as the reader. It’s hard as the writer. Sometimes it requires an interpreter. Like one sequence of messages in which I was recently engaged (more like ensnared).

I read his profile, assessed his photos, took the leap, and favorited him. He responded with lyrics, and asked me to identify the artist. I googled the answer and wrote back, admitting that I’d done the search (and earned props for the effort). He wrote back…normally a good sign.

With each successive message (and there were a few back and forth), I became more confused. I wasn’t sure if he was still quoting songs. I didn’t know if he was being philosophical or snarky. I said I was “confused, but curious.”  He was confused by my confusion, and curious about my curiosity. I felt like he was talking in code and I didn’t have the key.

He messaged me a couple more times, but he’d lost me by then.

25 years ago I invited a mom and her daughter (I hardly knew them) over for lunch and a playdate. I’ll save you the details and tell you the afternoon was an awkward disaster. Such an awkward disaster that, by the end of the afternoon, we had bonded over it, and we’re still sharing the laugh.

The relevance of this tale? We were face to face and committed to an afternoon, and we found our connection. I’m resolved to go back to my earlier dating resolution; once we’ve connected online, it’s time to meet. Or not. But no more mysterious pen pals.

Later…I Promise

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I favorited him. He messaged me. Likes my photos. Likes my profile. Do I want to chat or, better, meet for coffee? OK! Here’s my number. I prefer meeting to phone date…awkward and counterproductive. Call or text and we can set something up. Or message me back on site.

You, readers, already know where I’m going with this…nowhere. Right. Is it out of the question I’ll hear from him? Of course not. Sitting by the phone? Definitely not. But our phones are generally sitting by us, so we keep checking. Like waiting for college acceptance or that million dollars from Publishers Clearing House. Refresh.

The problem, according to me, is that getting in touch feels more like making a doctor’s appointment than something we optimistically anticipate. We’ll message later. Remind ourselves to follow up. Just…not right now.