Online Dating

Warm Hugs

~ What's in a Profile? ~ 1 Comment

This really happened. I don’t remember who started it, but it was an unforgettable exchange.

I responded to a message or a like or a wink with an email. I sign my first name in emails. (For our purposes, my name is Lisa.) In return, I received several paragraphs that began by saying he’d been checking regularly hoping that he’d hear from me. Addressed to Amy. So happy to hear back from you, Amy. I love your profile, Amy. What turns you on or off in a man, Amy?

He shared details of his day going to the gym, doing laundry, and lying on the couch. He punctuated the captivating narrative with “warm hugs” and “smiles.” A real catch; Amy’s one lucky girl! Incidentally, many men describe themselves as “a real catch” in their profiles. Is that appealing to many women? Not to me, but to each his own.

My friend Amy is on the same sites that I’m on. Was she the Amy? Nope. Too bad for him, because for the right man, she will be a real catch.

Are You For Real?

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How are we supposed to know if someone is genuine? Remember the ever-so-slightly younger man to whom I sent my number? For several days I heard nothing. I sent another email, following up on something we’d had in common.

This time he did respond, telling me this is his last day on the site and that I should get in touch through his regular email account (odd, since I’d already sent my number). This appears to be a recurring MO, and a red flag. I don’t know why this is the play, but it doesn’t seem to be on the up and up. And it’s mean. It makes me want to sign off forever. I don’t.

I can’t stop. It’s an addiction. We’re playing the slots, trying to beat the odds. The game is compelling, voyeuristic, intoxicating. The rewards are within our reach, but so evasive.

Hope springs eternal as the bells start ringing and the lights are flashing; a lucky winner just hit the jackpot.

Me, A Cougar?

~ What's in a Profile? ~ 2 Comments

My twentysomething daughter and her friends were at my place talking about their dating profiles. Like the old days of driving carpools, I was the fly on the wall. I actually sat at my computer taking notes on their advice to each other.

My number one take-away…less is more. If you’re more specific, you are narrowing your options. I rewrote my essays with this in mind. I wanted to make a few important but general points about who I am (or how I see myself), in a just a few compelling sentences.

TWO men emailed me, and both commented on my essay! Here’s the best part…they’re both a couple of years younger than me. Any woman who’s checked out online dating will tell you that many men specify their preference for younger women. Of course they do. They say their friends would tell you they look, feel and act younger than their ages. They may mention sex in their interests sections; they don’t mention Viagra.

I’ve sent my number to one and haven’t yet responded to the other. As usual, will update as there’s more to know.

Phew…I’m on fi-ya!!

Call Me, Maybe

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I have a friend who successfully gets past initial contacts and always has a date in the works. I asked her to share her secrets, listened to what she said, and gave her strategy a whirl. Seems she knew what she was talking about. And here I am, letting the secret out of the vault.

Following her lead, I joined an additional site, one she recommended. Based on my experiences so far, you get the most attention when you are new to a site. Not necessarily better, but higher volume.

I generally send actual messages addressing something in his profile. A photo, a caption, a reference. I try to include a question. I almost never receive a reply. I’ve changed my photos…no reply. Updated my essay…no reply. Or I get a “thank you,” with no engagement in conversation.

But when I see my friend, she’s waiting on another call. What am I doing wrong? No…what is she doing right?! She sends the winks. When she responds to winks and emails, she doesn’t become a pen pal. She invites him to give her a call.

This weekend I got a nibble from a guy who seemed interesting; I boldly suggested we talk. Voila! We have a call scheduled. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Thanks, Yoda.

The Personal Essay; An Overview

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The dating site’s matrix determines that we are both dog lovers and like to travel, we both eat and…small world…go to the gym. 100% match! The cornerstones of our real profiles are the personal essays and photos. The essay is our pitch, the chance to tell our stories and describe ourselves as we perceive we are perceived. Or hope we are perceived. Or how we would like to perceive ourselves.

We try to highlight our most unique, positive and desirable traits. Turns out most people like to laugh, are trustworthy, and are charitable. Our pasts are in our pasts. Everybody’s kids are the most important things in their lives (I hope we’re treating them as such.). And everyone just wants to meet someone nice to share nights by the fire, be Harry to Sally. (Or vice versa, or two Harrys, or two Sallys. As I am women seeking man, I’ll write in that tense.)

Some essays begin with the list of positive attributes. He’s “handsome, honest, caring, funny, successful, and modest.” Clearly modest. He’s a skydiving, mountain climbing, surfing, guitar player; when he drinks, he drinks Dos Equis.

What about the men who invite women to message them if “you have beautiful, long legs?” They bring my insecurities right to the surface. I wish I was the sexy, classy, sophisticated, accomplished woman you seek. Most of us aren’t. Most of us, and most of you, are good, regular people trying to lead good, regular lives.

The essays that make me read on have natural voices. If he cares to, he proofreads. If he’s funny, his essay is funny. If he’s casual, his tone is casual. If he’s honest, it doesn’t feel like a pitch. They leave me curious, wanting to know more.