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A Prince’s Perspective

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Here’s an interesting observation, submitted by a reader…friend…prince…(as always, published unabridged). 

Huddling up at the bar to swipe right or left…

I am not so sure that the Tinder’s and Bumble’s ruling the dating world these days are that much different than those good old days of just going to the bar, club or downtown lounge and trying to meet someone of the opposite sex. Then again, for me those days were not so good; I didn’t have much luck meeting anyone.

Think about it: arriving with our friend(s) with the faint hope of finding someone special, strutting into the place with a wing-man (or wing-woman), grabbing a beer, cocktail, or something in our hands that made us look busy, and then we’d peer around the oppressive environment to see if our eyes could catch a look from someone of the opposite sex.

How is this so different than Tinder? Isn’t this the very same thing as opening up Bumble and peering into the eyes of a person in a photo, our hands holding something to make us feel important, ready to bust a move? It’s no shock how today these twenty-something’s use Tinder for hook-ups, given how it takes away all the unnecessary trappings like travel and venue for them to find immediate gratification instead of wasting an entire evening on the prowl.

The Tinder’s and Bumble’s of the dating and hook-up world rely on that first glance, not on the written word or laundry list of things we like. Of course, some write how they enjoy wine, travel, the beach and good food, yet the focus is not on what is written but simply that initial look in the eyes. This is just like at the bar! Of course, the limited number of matches on those apps are also just like the bar, it’s not THAT simple! Men and women lying about their age, also no different than in the bar when someone told us they were 24 when they were really 34. On the app, the fuzzy photos or group shots with friends cover up the truth that they are really 65! Hell, it’s really no different than when we huddled up at the bar, things haven’t changed that much since being in my twenties.

I’ve tried Match, Plenty of Fish, Jdate, sites that require detailed profile descriptions. But in the end, it is still that first look that matters most. The internal chemical reaction to another’s eyes, face, or countenance draws us in. It’s not any written word, or excuse the expression, how we sell ourselves.

Little has changed other than venue, it is still chemistry uber alles.  For human beings in this difficult mating game, we are still just like mammals in the jungle.

Buckshot? I am all ears!

I have a couple of comments. (Of course I do.)

  1. At the bar, you can get some sense of chemistry, albeit tequila infused. Tequila=good.
  2. A point made in Aziz Ansari’s book, Modern Romance: people are checking dating apps even on their ways to meet dates…you never know what better options may appear. Like bar hopping.

What’ve We Got to Lose?

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First dates. In his book, Modern Romance*, Aziz Ansari writes that he and his friends’ “goal was…to meet someone who instantly swept us off our feet, but it just didn’t seem to be happening.”

First dates hold promise. They engage our fantasies. Too much. You’re picturing that amazing first kiss. You see yourself moving in…getting a dog…hiking together through the English countryside (where the sun is always shining, because it’s a fantasy).

Back to first date reality. Maybe you don’t have as much in common as you’d expected. Maybe he had a bad day. Or you did. Maybe he doesn’t get your jokes, or you don’t find him engaging. But maybe…just maybe…our fantasies are getting in our ways and we’re not giving these dates enough of a chance.

Take the opposite experience…you both immediately feel a real connection and attraction. In this scenario, you see each other a few times…get to know each other a little more. Turns out you’re not as compatible as you first thought. He and your friends don’t hit it off. You have a hard time agreeing on a movie. He’s too needy…too aloof…too busy…drinks too much…makes fun of your favorite show…or the shine has just quickly worn off. You took the time, and now you know that he isn’t “the one.”

You don’t get a job after a first interview. And a third interview still doesn’t guarantee an offer. They saw more of what you’re about, and you learned more about the opportunity. The fit might not be there. Or, surprise, this might be the dream job you didn’t even know you wanted!

Look, some dates are uncomfortable. Some are downright offensive (From those, we run with lightening speed). But there could sometimes be sparks there, right below the surface, that need a little stirring to catch. Stoke it a little. Why not?

 

*My review: Modern Romance was really informative and very funny. Aziz Ansari’s voice, personality and comic style are on every page.

Modern Romance was written by Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg.

This One Takes the Cake

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Many of you have come to My Frog Princes via Facebook, and some of you have posted your crazy stories there. Thanks for engaging, and please keep sharing your experiences! This is an exact post copied from the Facebook link:

There was the homeless guy I met…has a picture up in uniform as a marine, cowboy, sings, dances, fun dude… said he was in a car wreck, so i went to the hospital to pick him up and to take him home. I pick up this dirty, toothless man, who gets in my car and tries to kiss me, ugh no!! He says he’s hungry and his roommates are already eating. I go to McDonald’s down the road, he says he forgot his wallet at the hospital. So I buy him food and offer to take him back to get his wallet. Drive back towards the hospital, he says stop, here’s home. I dropped him off at the homeless shelter in Fort Worth…..that was the end of POF for me. lol

Remember that we need to keep our senses of humor about all of this. We all know it can be disappointing and frustrating, downright depressing, along the way. But it’s also comical and absurd; laugh about it and keep going. We’re all here for you!!

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How You Doin’?

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Saturday:  I was just chatting on one of the sites. I signed off without letting him know I was leaving; he was freaking me out. Not in a threatening way. Can’t even say he was creepy. Too persistent…catches me every time I’m there. On the particular site, I don’t think there is a way to sign in invisibly.

I did start chatting with him after he made a third request in as many days…gotta admire his tenacity. I hadn’t responded earlier because I think he’s skimming more than a couple of years off his age, based on photos. I understand vanity, but, also enough already with the liars (there are way too many of them). We get it. You want to attract someone younger. Guess what. Us too.

What sent me running, though, was the series of lines. A compliment is nice. He reached out, so I asked what he was doing. He answered that he was thinking about a date with me. I asked about his weekend plans…hopefully spending time with me. Stop it! Don’t tell me you’d like to have a conversation; have a conversation! Ask a question (and not “where’d you find the fountain of youth?”).

Sunday: Today he asked why I stopped chatting and said he’d like to get to know me. Nope. Then I feel bad about not answering (since I feel bad when I don’t receive a response).

Tuesday: He’s still messaging me, this time with a question about my weekend. I can say with certainty that he’s not “the one.” Begs the question, is it nice or mean that I responded to his question/message? I really don’t know (and am very interested, reader, in your take on this).

A Picture Paints A Thousand Words

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Here’s my thousand words on profile photos. (1000 words is a lot of words. Forgive me when I fail to live up to the adage.)

Profile photos. Our photos are the first and most prominent parts of our profiles. We all know it. I consider how I look, where I am, how I’m dressed, and what I’m doing. I want to project who I am, and in the best possible light. This is where our narratives begin.

The scuba-diver is telling us he’s active and adventurous. The award winner on the podium wants us to know he’s respected for his achievements. He’s a skier…runner…musician…biker (either racing or gang variety).  Boater. Traveler. Trainer. Pet Lover. These types of photos tell us something, presumably something important, about a person. More, they’re telling us what they want us to know, first and foremost. This makes sense to me.

What doesn’t make sense? Blurry photos, dark photos, low res photos. We carry cameras with us at all times (if you don’t, everyone else does); you can come up with ONE decent quality photo! And, do yourself a favor, don’t shoot it into the bathroom mirror.

For those who have succeeded in obtaining a photo, congratulations. But you’re not there yet. Don’t post the photo of you winking and toasting the camera; ick. Clearly naked (even if we’ll never really know for sure)? Ick. Just your dog (or car, or boat, or sunset)? C’mon. A very popular setting that I don’t get…selfie in driver’s seat of car. Why there? Were you bored at a red light?

Next, there are the photos that tell some story, but I’m not sure what that story is, or to whom he hopes to appeal. The face-painted sports fan; frat boy? One in which the guy appears to be wearing his school band uniform (or shooting the cover of Sargent Pepper’s). Huh? One guy is wearing a foot-wide, floppy bow tie, really. One is dressed head to toe in his (I’m guessing) favorite team’s gear. Not odd for my nephews, but I’m looking at profiles of men in their 50’s and up!

You get the point. I may not be your type; you may not be mine. But a little more thought might go a long way.

Speaking of long ways…I didn’t make it to 400 words. Better this way, right?

Define “Success”

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A couple of weeks ago I was perusing the daily specials, the menu of men that one site was recommending for me. One stood out. I’m not sure why, but something…. I messaged him and said just that.

We emailed back and forth, agreed we should meet, and made a plan. Sounds easy, but it took us weeks to come up with a time. He picked an interesting place for drinks. I appreciated the effort that went into finding a good spot. We were off to a good start; this was the first date I’ve gone into optimistically.

It also marked another dating milestone; my first ever nighttime date (and a Saturday, no less!). Threw me into a tizzy of wardrobe decisions. I sent photos of me in various ensembles to friends in a group text. I left them to discuss the options and make the decision while I showered. Thank you, village-it-took-to-dress-me.

We had tons of things in common. We talked about the arcs of our families and how we had gotten to this same place. We share political views and social sensibilities. We both have casual styles. After talking for over 2 hours (and only a couple of drinks each), we were surprised how much time had passed. We parted with a slightly awkward hug and agreed that this had been a successful date. We would definitely do it again.

But what did we mean by successful? There were no sparks. It was a nice evening. Which is what I said in my brief email the next day; “thanks for a very nice evening.” A couple of days passed, and I heard back.

Ready? He wrote to tell me that he had met someone…he believed “the one,” in the days since we’d met (I believe he was sincere). He was kind and encouraging, and thoughtful enough to let me know. I’m nothing but happy for him, for them, and for their fireworks.

Call Me, Maybe

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I have a friend who successfully gets past initial contacts and always has a date in the works. I asked her to share her secrets, listened to what she said, and gave her strategy a whirl. Seems she knew what she was talking about. And here I am, letting the secret out of the vault.

Following her lead, I joined an additional site, one she recommended. Based on my experiences so far, you get the most attention when you are new to a site. Not necessarily better, but higher volume.

I generally send actual messages addressing something in his profile. A photo, a caption, a reference. I try to include a question. I almost never receive a reply. I’ve changed my photos…no reply. Updated my essay…no reply. Or I get a “thank you,” with no engagement in conversation.

But when I see my friend, she’s waiting on another call. What am I doing wrong? No…what is she doing right?! She sends the winks. When she responds to winks and emails, she doesn’t become a pen pal. She invites him to give her a call.

This weekend I got a nibble from a guy who seemed interesting; I boldly suggested we talk. Voila! We have a call scheduled. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Thanks, Yoda.