Author: What's in a Profile?

It Ain’t Me, Babe

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I was recently swiping and this guy came up. There was one photo, in which he was wearing sunglasses and a hat, and the location was completely nondescript…maybe a construction site or a landfill. He offered no information; he wrote one line that was vague. Of course, my curiosity won out and I swiped right.

He messaged me, “Looking for me?” followed with an icon to “click here” to know more about him. I clicked, and a good photo of him appeared. Nice enough looking, and he was putting a little effort into the process. So I responded, “Creative, interesting start.”

His response: “So take a bath, shave your legs and invite me over.” Eww.

It’s interesting how misled I was by my own perception. In my head, he was being playful and creative, and that intrigued me.  I liked the photo I had clicked to open; he looked serious but nice. Now, I look at the same photo, I see a misogynist, and I feel like I need a shower.

He, like the rest of us, is playing the odds. But he and I aren’t in the same game.

 

I’m (Almost) Speechless

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Today I received three messages. Good, right?! One of the guys is in Los Angeles. Another is in Texas. I’m in New York. WTF!

The third?

Since my words couldn’t possibly do his justice, here’s a quote from his essay: “If your (his improper grammar, not mine)  searching for an attractive, kind and funny soul–who’s also sincere, suave and sexy…” blah blah this, blah blah that…good in kitchen “…I’ve been told I’m fairly accomplished in some other rooms of the house as well.”

Suddenly, Texas and LA are lookin’ pretty good.

A Man’s Perspective*: The Invisible Woman

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I’m pretty new to all this. But I’ve noticed a disturbing phenomena in the online dating world. Women just evaporate. One minute, they’re there. Then poof, they’re gone.

I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone. But here’s how it’s happened to me, on two different free sites, with what I thought were a couple of promising connections: A woman reaches out. (Yes, in both cases she initiated contact.) I peruse her profile and reply. We start with small talk, then move on to deeper stuff. When I sense it’s a good time, I suggest we meet in person and offer my phone number. Then radio silence.

When I go online to follow up, she’s gone. Her entire account has been deleted. So it’s not just me that she doesn’t want to meet? She’s giving up online dating completely?

The first time it happened, it was like watching Claude Raines disrobe in “The Invisible Man” with every browser refresh. First the woman’s additional photos came down, then her main profile photo, followed by her written profile, and finally the official notice that the account was deleted. Until that last one I thought there was something wrong with my computer.

Now, these are not bots, or Russian prostitutes, or foreign-exchange students with expired visas looking for a green card. These are women who live in my area, who know the neighborhoods and schools and, up until that moment, are available.

But who are they? Excruciatingly shy and/or grotesquely deformed women?  Lonely housewives trying to find out if they still have “it”? “Catfish” afraid of being caught? Cheating housewives who’ve been caught?

I haven’t the foggiest. But I take it as a blessing. I’d rather know they’re not invested before I invest my time, energy and emotions into developing a real relationship.

Of course, re-entering the dating pool can be scary. I’d be lying if I said I felt any differently. All I ask is that if you’re in it, please be in it. Otherwise it’s just one more distraction for those of us who are.

How have your experiences been? I’d  love to know.

*Welcome to my guest contributor, who will offer occasional insight from a man’s point of view.

Just Do It

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A few weeks ago I said that I was going to try a new approach to my profile. I kept a short intro paragraph and followed it with a bullet-ed list of things I’d done in the two prior months. Got out my calendar and listed it all. Excluded dentist appointment (though good oral hygiene is important).

I included the books I read during that time, some key TV and internet viewing, specific work related projects, some places I’d been…you get the idea. Cliche or not, our actions speak louder than our words. This, I hypothesized, would keep skewed perception at bay. My goal was to attract men with (any) interests and styles, not necessarily the same as mine. Someone who might join me on my ride, but also take me along on his.

One response. Specifically, he thought the things I’d been doing sounded interesting and fun. Bingo!

He wished he’d been on my ride, all right. He was very nice, but also told me how uninteresting he is. He wants someone to motivate him to do fun things and expose him to things he doesn’t even know he’s missing. Hmm…sounds like work.

When you want to do something that’s within your reach, do it. Or try to. Then, call me.

Can You Hear Me Now?

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Written communication has its flaws, especially when you don’t know the other person. It’s hard as the reader. It’s hard as the writer. Sometimes it requires an interpreter. Like one sequence of messages in which I was recently engaged (more like ensnared).

I read his profile, assessed his photos, took the leap, and favorited him. He responded with lyrics, and asked me to identify the artist. I googled the answer and wrote back, admitting that I’d done the search (and earned props for the effort). He wrote back…normally a good sign.

With each successive message (and there were a few back and forth), I became more confused. I wasn’t sure if he was still quoting songs. I didn’t know if he was being philosophical or snarky. I said I was “confused, but curious.”  He was confused by my confusion, and curious about my curiosity. I felt like he was talking in code and I didn’t have the key.

He messaged me a couple more times, but he’d lost me by then.

25 years ago I invited a mom and her daughter (I hardly knew them) over for lunch and a playdate. I’ll save you the details and tell you the afternoon was an awkward disaster. Such an awkward disaster that, by the end of the afternoon, we had bonded over it, and we’re still sharing the laugh.

The relevance of this tale? We were face to face and committed to an afternoon, and we found our connection. I’m resolved to go back to my earlier dating resolution; once we’ve connected online, it’s time to meet. Or not. But no more mysterious pen pals.

Later…I Promise

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I favorited him. He messaged me. Likes my photos. Likes my profile. Do I want to chat or, better, meet for coffee? OK! Here’s my number. I prefer meeting to phone date…awkward and counterproductive. Call or text and we can set something up. Or message me back on site.

You, readers, already know where I’m going with this…nowhere. Right. Is it out of the question I’ll hear from him? Of course not. Sitting by the phone? Definitely not. But our phones are generally sitting by us, so we keep checking. Like waiting for college acceptance or that million dollars from Publishers Clearing House. Refresh.

The problem, according to me, is that getting in touch feels more like making a doctor’s appointment than something we optimistically anticipate. We’ll message later. Remind ourselves to follow up. Just…not right now.

More On Organic vs. Virtual

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Let’s say you meet someone; let’s say at a friend’s party.

When you’re introduced, your host tells each of you about the volunteer work that the other does. Some common ground. You talk about the personal experiences that led you to your causes, and about the ways each of you contribute.

One extraneous comment sets conversation in a new direction, and you learn that you’re both super-fans of the same team. That you grew up in the towns right next to each other and hung out at some of the same places way back when (you probably never met back then because of the 2 year age difference).  You rescued the same breed of dog. Did I mention that he went to grad school at an esteemed university and is well respected in his field?

Now, let’s equate that initial conversation with viewing each other’s profiles. The basic profile formats provide the same types of information regarding background and areas of common interest (education, tennis, movies). Call that a wash (or close enough).

In one of my earliest posts, I mocked the not-so-humble essays that tell us about the well educated, fit, adventure-seeking connoisseur who loves his family and the beach. It’s time I reconsidered. What, after all, are our options?

It is a struggle to write our essays. I mean…of course everybody’s talking themselves up. (For today, I’m not addressing liars.) We do, after all, have interests that are important parts of who we are; we all participate in the world in different ways. And if their tones were more modest…well…mightn’t they seem insincere? We wouldn’t look twice if he presented himself in negative terms!

I’ve championed the less-is-more essay. On the other hand, I find it difficult to message a man who hasn’t included something specific in his profile for me to address. I’m going to try a new approach.

I learn the most about myself by looking back over decisions I’ve made and how I’ve spent my time when it was mine to spend. I’m going to apply that to a new set of profile essays and let my recent activities speak for me. I’ll include events I attended and TV shows I watched. Work I did. Restaurants. Movies. Books. Maybe some silly anecdote.

Groundbreaking? Doubt it, but will let you know if it has any impact.