I’m new to online dating. Actually, I’m new to dating. I’ve heard stories from friends about their experiences, and been warned that this wasn’t going to be easy. It’s not.
It’s impersonal, yet I take it personally sometimes. It’s calculated, so it’s hard to be natural. It takes some trial and error, but…I’m not sure what I expect.
Every time I sign on I see men who seem interesting, men who seem smart, men who seem arrogant, men who seem sweet, men who seem my “type” and men who don’t. Some are trying too hard, some not hard enough. Sometimes too many photos, sometimes too few. And I know that when men view my profile, they assess me the same way.
I am going to share my experiences and opinions. I’ll also share stories I’ve been told, and invite you to share your stories and impressions as well. Two rules: 1. Be nice. 2. Respect privacy. We are all vulnerable and doing our best. And to all my frog princes, good luck finding your Cinderella!
My Frog Princes 
Prince or Frog? (one man’s perspective seeking Cinderella)
February 14, 2016
It’s Valentine’s Day and I am responding in a blog, so it is clear I am not celebrating with my special someone this year. Oh well, my ex-GF had a hard time with this Hallmark holiday because of her painful history…so, I suppose little has changed for me other than status, and I am not celebrating this romantic holiday for yet another year.
I was summarily dismissed from that six year relationship last summer. I had forged a relationship with an adult woman partner that apparently had a serious Attachment Disorder, and I ignored and denied all possible signs for years while devoting myself to her…I didn’t realize until months after it ended how damaged she really was. I needed to look in the mirror, how could I let this happen? Remaining with her for years given lots of signs was my fault. I refused to look in the mirror despite multiple experiences that should have tipped me off that this love of my life was not attached or “that into me” during our six wonderful years together. Hell, she never talked to me about “us”…always refusing to engage in any relationship conversation. I should have known better, especially after my 21 year marriage that ended badly. Treating this girlfriend of six years with kindness, warmth, affection, honesty, friendship and deep love was my choice and fault, and when she gave me the pink slip out of the blue, in her mind I should have expected it. In my mind, I never saw it coming.
So, I am writing here as a returning single Dad who is back in this dating game reluctantly. I am again looking for a best friend in relationship, long term (ever after) hopefully, and pray she is emotionally available and not suffering from any attachment disorder or other unexpected malady. There was enough good in the relationship with Miss Emotionally Detached that I know now I can be in a successful relationship that can work. My eyes are wide open and now I look in the mirror.
So, some seven months later, I have had numerous dating experiences under my belt (both metaphorically and literally speaking). I have met some wonderful women, a few crazies, some who seemed right, those who were terribly wrong (for me), and I am left wondering about all the complaining that single people do in my position, both men and women. So many bitch and moan when it comes to this new-fangled world of online and app dating.
Why complain? There is still someone for all of us “out there”… I KNOW there is. It is just another “thing” we have to get through in life…and can succeed ultimately.
I have a recent story in response here that displays the contradiction of so many men and women who have to go through this process. We complain and moan, yet sometimes we have an answer right in front of us, yet refuse to look.
Let me explain…please read on:
I resumed dating sometime last September/October, weeks after being jettisoned, and it became an up and down experience. I actually had thought I found someone really nice believing her to be a good match, but she bailed as soon as it turned more serious (both emotionally and sexually)…she was not ready for a new relationship she said. So, after those few lovely weeks of fun, that was over. Again, back to the drawing board, online and on the phone, swiping left, swiping right.
After a few dates, I then matched with a wonderful woman who lived near the town where I grew up. We shared common backgrounds and difficult and similar marital/divorce situations. We laughed a lot on the phone. We connected and talked easily together, and the date to meet was finally set. Yes, we made it that far, not an easy thing.
We found a place to meet for drinks…and ended up sharing a light bite. Almost for three hours, the conversation had deepened, laughs flowed, family stories told, a sharing back and forth, I felt an attraction. She was a live wire, intelligent, attractive, warm, fun, and I knew I wanted to see her again. I thought she may have felt the same…and when this first date ended on the streets of the city, I asked the loaded question men dare ask when interested…”would you like to get together again?” She said “Yes!” emphatically, and it was agreed. We had a nice time, a GOOD time, it was fun, enough certainly to want to see each other again.
Or, so I thought.
She also had told me she was a creative, having developed an internet site about dating stories for singles, which included funny and poignant (and not so poignant) anecdotes she and others experienced in this new dating world after being married. The site could be called Dating Complaining given all the black humor and dark stories posted. Yes, there are plenty of nut-jobs out there on dating app sites, the blind date set-ups from friends, stories that are funny, sad, frustrating, and weird…but, if you go into these uncharted waters with an open mind, you can weed out the wackos and find someone nice, kind, intelligent, warm, attractive, and appropriate…perhaps a new best friend, lover, and more.
I had believed this one time date could become a possibility, I was excited about having met her… but, time has passed since that date, and I am puzzled. Despite all she had openly shared to me directly about her history and wanting to be open to this new dating life and meeting someone, all I know about her now is from what she shares online. I read things poking fun and complaining about this difficult still new dating process, yet she seems to have forgotten that there actually was a genuinely interested and appropriate man with whom she did have a positive encounter, ME.
I read her words now from a distance, but she vanished from me like a Houdini.
After our date, we spoke on the phone a couple of times and traded text messages back and forth. It all felt right, normal, no… quite good! But, I am sensitive to being distanced, so my guard was up. I tried to get her to meet again for the second date, and instead of arranging any, she told me (truthfully I still want to believe) she had some major issues that needed tending to with her family, got very busy with the new job, and if I could and would be understanding, we would meet again, and very soon… but, not yet.
Yes, I do understand that life sometimes gets in the way.
I am a very patient man. Hell, I remained loyal in a relationship with a partner who promised me she’d work on things for six years while remaining emotionally distant. I kept on being hopeful for more closeness all that time, so I AM a patient man and do give others the benefit of the doubt. But, after those hopeful texts and calls after that single date, right after the holidays, my final text wished her a happy new year trying to keep the connection alive. There was no response.
Crickets.
She vanished into a vapor of mystery and into yet another unexplained dating story. Now, it is another Valentine’s day and I am reflecting on my past few months back of dating.
I don’t write this to complain, truly not. I write here to express puzzlement to a reality when someone’s words and deeds don’t match, especially after they show up seemingly genuine and authentic. Yet this person shares her complaints about men who do stupid things on the dating circuit on the internet. We all make mistakes, and we need to reflect on them rather than point fingers. She had asked me to be patient, and I still pursued with interest, but didn’t want to “over-pursue” for looking like a stalker or an obsessive. But I had believed at that point, weeks after that first date and being asked to remain patient, the onus for contact and connection was on her, no longer on me. Having been burned, hurt, bait and switched a few times in this dating life, especially by a GF of six years, I know when it’s not on me to reconnect.
So, I think it is on her to reach out. But at this point, I gather she can no longer see me in the rear view mirror. She’s moved on, back to swiping left and right on those dating apps and sharing the weirdness of it online.
Moral of this story: Please don’t complain or criticize or make fun of unfortunate fellows (or ladies) that mislead, misguide, lie, cheat, do anything to get you out on a date when you actually have had someone right in front of you that met your criteria, and especially after you actually told him as much. He may still be in the dark about your choice to not reconnect. That is worse than lying about age, or forgetting a wallet to a date, or declaring how men are just getting stupider. Perhaps he isn’t one of those stupider ones, and could have been given the courtesy of some explanation or truth.
I am not sure if I am a frog or a prince, but to paraphrase Julia Roberts from a chick-flick we men are supposed to never admit having seen: “I am just a boy, standing in front of a girl.” There I was, right there in front of her, putting myself out there taking the risk to pursue, and rather than giving me a genuine chance, she chose to return to swiping left and right at photos of others while laughing and complaining about many of them.
I am far from perfect, for sure, but certainly, perhaps she is missing out on a true match, a real partner, a good man?
Please look in the mirror before criticizing the many frog princes out there.
On my end, I can only reflect and conclude with questions: What did I do wrong? Did I say or do something to push her away? What changes do I need to make? Am I just a frog?
More work to do…
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